One of my first symptoms of bipolar disorder that I faced at the tender age of fourteen was anxiety along with severe depression. I was misdiagnosed considering these, at the time, were my only symptoms. At fourteen, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, along with PTSD. As my symptoms changed throughout my adolescence, so did my diagnosis.

Since I have been on Xanax, an anti anxiety medication that I take 0.5 mg as needed, and Abilify, an anti-psychotic, along with my Prozac which is an anti-depressant, I haven’t really dealt with severe anxiety in years. Actually I haven’t taken Xanax besides when I have flown on an airplane in over two years. I haven’t felt the need to use it since I haven’t had really any anxiety. Until today.

I was grocery shopping and Diego went on his break and met up with me to decide what we wanted from the meat department. We were talking as we waited for the meat cutter to cut and wrap our rib roast when one of my ex flings walked by. Even through the masks, I knew exactly who it was and he knew who I was. We locked eyes and once he passed, I snap my head back over to Diego who was leaning on the other end of the shopping cart. He knew who it was exactly and the history Tanner and I had.

“Are you okay?”, asks Diego.

“Yeah…. yeah, I’m fine. What else do we need for the house?”

“He comes in here every night and always gets a fifth or half gallon of alcohol.”

“I know… well, I don’t know but I didn’t know he would be here… now. While I was here.” Beads of sweat start to form on my forehead. It became very hot in the store, even as I wear shorts and flip flops. My heart was beating rapidly and I didn’t know what to think or what to say.

“What else did we need for the house?” I ask.

“Lemonade. Let’s go get it and we will come back for the roast.”

[END SCENE]

As I walked to my Kia, I searched for his car and hoped he had waited for me. He didn’t. My anxiety throughout the car ride home was through the rough, so much so, I had to drive with my window rolled down. My thoughts were rapid, yet empty. All I knew was I felt like I was going to die. And I have no idea why.

Tanner is not a person I tend to think about often, not even sometimes. We had history, but ultimately he was selfish and he used me because he got sex and I had the biggest crush on him so I would be there for him and do anything he asked. He is a severe alcoholic and has a lot of other issues that he has to work through. I have him blocked on my phone, but part of me hoped he would’ve texted me tonight.

It is silly really. The first person I wanted to tell was my therapist, but I forgot I no longer have one. I wonder why my body reacted the way it did when I saw him when I was with Diego? I wonder why I have been having these random fits of anxiety and panic attacks after years of remission. I don’t understand, but I want to.

I am calm now writing all this, but I just don’t know what Diego will say when he gets home tonight about it all. That’s not a conversation I am looking forward to…

I guess I will be making an appointment with my doctor about why I am having these fits of anxiety and why my Xanax isn’t helping. Yet another to do list item….

…

Diego didn’t bring up the matter, thank goodness. I forgot I wrote this post until I looked in my drafts on my blog. I have been struggling with fits of anxiety for the past few days. I have yet to medicate to help the anxiety because I want to feel my feelings and try to understand where these feelings are coming from.

I just want to preface this with the fact that I love Diego dearly and I don’t want to break up or have more issues with him, but part of me still has these thoughts about past crushes and past flings. Not sexually in any capacity, but I more so just wonder what would have happened if I were still single. But I know in my heart I don’t want to be single, I don’t want to be without my boyfriend. I just want to stop wondering about these past other relationships.

Another thing I need to do is get a counselor so I can thoroughly discuss these sort of things. I feel as though Diego isn’t the best person to talk about these things with because it would devastate him, not noticeably, but he would hold in how he really felt if I told him he’s not the only person I have been thinking about.

I just care about those who were in my life. Tanner, the man I saw today has been in my life and we had a friendship for two years. So of course I still worry about him, and yes I still think about him. But I need to learn to let go, just let go.

That’s all I got for right now. I am kind of a basket case at the moment… well, in general, but especially right now. I got to get some brownies out of the oven.

Dani