Salvage and Surrender

I have already grown weary of today and it’s not even noon yet. I had to drop two of my three classes at school because there was no salvaging those grades for the duration of the quarter. I think one class I may be able to pass by the hair of my Chiny-chin chin. And surprisingly enough that class is geography. But I do have another week that I can withdraw from the quarter without it affecting my GPA. I actually have done all the homework in that class, yet I am still failing, but there may be hope.

I feel defeated because it takes everything in my body to do these classes and try to improve myself but I just can’t do it. I can’t swing it and I don’t know why I try. It’s insanity for me to think I can finish a master’s degree when I can’t finish a two year degree in eight fucking years. It’s stupid and I hate myself and hate myself for it but it’s just not how I am made and that’s one thing but to keep beating a dead horse to further avenge it then that’s just plain stupid.

Anyways I am at the dealership this morning for my free oil change so I figured I would get some of this trash off of my chest. I got another three weeks of the quarter and hopefully I can pass this one class that seems more manageable than three. But we shall see what happens. I have been applying to jobs left and right and nothing’s hit just quite yet. I am trying to enjoy my time off but I feel like I need at least three different anti anxiety drugs to even breathe; that is how stressed I am. And now I’m trying not to cry in the dealership lobby because putting pen to paper or keys to MacBook makes me realize that I suck. Nothing is going right and I am defeated.

But then I must remember to surrender. I am not in control; God is in control.

That eases my mind….slightly.

However, the last guy I dated told me that God was his medicine and it literally set me over the edge. It’s like, yes I agree that God is a healer but He also created the people and inventions of today i.e. modern medicine so we don’t have to suffer as greatly and to think that people could be so ignorant as to not use God’s gifts for greater good makes no sense to me. I am a functioning, well comparatively, human being when I am on medication for my bipolar disorder. When I am not on meds, well just kiss progress goodbye. It ain’t happening.

Like if someone who reads my blog has this sort of toxic viewpoint, either try to explain it better to me so that I Understand because I hope I am misinterpreting something but I am doubtful of that.

Anyways, I will sign off for now and then call it a day because fuck this noise.

Much love,


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