keeping track

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been in a planning kick. I have a habit tracker insert in my Happy Planner which has allowed me to keep track of things from booze consumption, cannabis consumption, sexual happenings, period tracker, if I read scripture or not, if I drink enough water or not, my weight, self care, when I post on the blog, medicine tracker, and last but not least, my mood tracker.

I have taken all my meds this month so far and I have since mid September of 2020. Which is great that I keep up with it and I am keeping track to keep me accountable. I’ve lost five pounds this month so far, but that’s mostly because I am stressed and having my GI issues. In eleven days, I have had four stable days, two manic, and five depressed days. Which isn’t shocking with what’s going on in my life. I mean, I am jobless, and had my chance of going to university taken away when I had to drop most of my course load this quarter. I mean, there is a chance in hell I could graduate in August and still attend PSU in the fall however I don’t want to have to take and pass four classes next quarter that seems damn near impossible with my track record.

I was telling my pen pal whom I “met” through WordPress and we have been emailing back and forth for some time now that as stressed as I am about not having work and not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from, I have this strong sense of calm and peace about me and maybe that’s because I have been reading the Bible every night before bed for the past few nights but I feel like things are gonna be okay. I don’t know why or how, but it’s going to be okay.

I think a big part of that is I put roughly $1500 to savings, I don’t have a car payment until July 3rd, my bills are all paid through the month of May and in early June. I paid my debt down from roughly $3500 a month in minimum payments alone to under $3,000 per month. It may sound like an astronomical amount considering I don’t pay anything in rent but my gambling addiction got me here into so much debt; that and just general poor decisions that I could blame on mania but won’t. As long as I see progress and am moving forward, I am content. I am hoping I can find work and not have to dip into savings but beggars can’t be choosers.

I got my oil changed this week and I made my bed with clean sheets and cleaned my room of rubbish and trash and I want to finish cleaning my room and going through my closet to get rid of clothes that I don’t wear or stuff that needs to be thrown out. I did shower tonight and did my skin care and brushed my teeth. Oh! I also got my hair cut yesterday and it feels better and healthier. It is sometimes taking every fiber of energy I have to do these seemingly small tasks and I hate that I feel as though I can’t do these things. But if I break down the tasks into smaller bits, I have been able to conquer them. It may have taken thirty minutes to strip my bed, rest, put new sheets on, rest, put comforter and weighted blanket on, rest, and put the pillows back on. But that is the life of a bipolar gal with chronic illness. And that is perfectly okay.

I think through this experience, I am learning to have grace toward myself and to surrender all that I am to God. He is greater than I and all my problems. He has the cure. I am about halfway through reading the book of Revelations in the New Testament. I have so many questions but I am so fascinated by what I am reading it almost doesn’t seem real. I know it is, but I felt drawn to read this book first rather than reading from Genesis on and I am wondering how it ends, I might have to finish this book tonight.

Anyways any words of advice or encouragement during this time are much appreciated.

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