Is anyone home? Is this thing on?

I feel very alone right now and I am trying to be content with it but I am unsure how that is working for me so far. I am writing this at some time in the middle of the night… I could look at the clock but all I know is that it is very hot in my room and pitch black outside.

I was supposed to go to the lake today with Diego and his coworkers but didn’t really wanna see Diego canoodling with his young and very married coworker. It just gave me bad vibes after I go over to his house and buy beer for the event and dinner for him and I that he ignores me to talk to this chick and I couldn’t fucking deal with it. I said if you pity me why are you even inviting me and he said I was his friend and that’s it; he didn’t pity me but he couldn’t look me in the eye when he said he didn’t pity me so I knew he was lying. Then he tries gaslighting me to make me feel like I am the crazy one for being bothered by him ignoring me. But then he argues how crazy am I to hang out with someone who actively gaslights me and tries to make me feel bad.

He had a point there. So I haven’t talked to him since Friday night and it is now early Sunday morning. I am frustrated because I feel like I lost a friend in him but if he does gaslight me all the time, which he does, why would I want toxic in my life? Because I accept the love I think I deserve. It’s sad but true. I would rather be mistreated than to be alone. Sure I have a handful of friends but it’s different. I could talk to him literally 24/7 and had been there for me whenever I truly needed him.

I just need to take a hydroxyzine and go to bed even though I slept literally all night and day. I feel like nothing positive will come out of me being awake right now. Ugh I just want to talk to somebody and I can’t and that feeling sucks.

Anyways I have my endoscopy on Tuesday the 16th to figure out why I vomit everyday. I am a little worried about it but I am trying not to be too scared or anxious as that won’t help anything. I wish I had something more profound to say but I don’t. I am just emotionally tired and exhausted and feeling a little jaded which I try not to ever be.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Dani