Long time no blog! I have been working the past six days at my new job which has me emotionally and mentally worn down. Not so much because the job is difficult because it isn’t… I think good ole bipolar depression has finally come around knocking on the door to say, ” Hello, remember me?!”
Today is the one year anniversary of my DUI. I have been overly emotional the past day and a half and I couldn’t figure out why until I was driving home from work and looked at the date and time on my dash of my car and it all came together. It feels like so much time has passed, yet no time at all and as of right now, I am 17 days sober of booze, a month and half for weed, and over a year and a half free of gambling.
I have been very restless and anxiety ridden lately. I cried at work and called Diego via video chat and he showed me Poncho and that’s what made me cry harder… I miss my doggo so much. It is weird to reflect back on one year ago today because I was also in a bad place. I was single and being reckless and drinking a lot. I could be in jail right now and that is mind boggling to me. I could be homeless which is equally as mind boggling. But I have a roof over my head, I have a new job and make pretty good money, I have food to eat, water to drink, I know God and I am working on relying on Him and that has allowed me to keep sober.
My new job is going good…. the people seem to like me. I haven’t lost my manager privileges yet and it’s been well over a week so that’s a good sign. I am the new closer so that involves balancing all the tills at night and doing the safe and we close at 10pm and I have been getting off work closer to 11pm because I am still trying to get the hang of things. I feel like some of the people have gotten frustrated with me, but have done so in a passive aggressive away. Maybe that’s my delusions, who knows.
I always said if I could have one super power it would be mind reading so I can know what all the assholes are thinking about me. Maybe I am being self absorbed in thinking that so many people are thinking about me with their free thoughts, but if I were having a conversation with someone or crossed someone’s mind, I am nosy and would want to know all the insults (or compliments).
I need to get back into blogging but when I don’t get home until after 11pm, it makes it hard to want to do much of anything else besides sleep. But if I am closing the store, I usually get around 6,000 steps in a day but I want to walk for thirty minutes a day at the gym after work to make sure I get closer or even hit 10,000 steps in a day. I weigh 190lbs. now and at five feet tall, that is definitely overweight. I have my cousin’s wedding to go to in the beginning of July and I bought a dress and it fits now but if I made it to 183 by June, I would feel pretty good about it.
I need to get back into my routine and figuring out a way to keep track of my habit trackers, blogging routine, work out routine, eating better routine, and making time for all the other things I got going on in my life. I am still debating of transferring schools back to a community college so that I am able to at the very least get my associate’s degree. I mean, I have three federal grants that I am pretty sure I can transfer to any school I choose so if I could finish something at least I could make someone proud. It’s a lot to handle but I think I have so many credits I can basically get my associates degree easily within the year.
There is just a lot going on in my life and now that I am on a depression down swing, I have little to motivation to stick around for it. I need to be an active participant in my own life and that is the last thing I want to do right now. I want to be small and sad; I want to be cuddled and roll into a ball and cry. I read something about bipolar and it said that your happiness and depression is not the same when you’re bipolar and that really resonated with me. My interpretation of it is that my happiness and depression is not my own; it is the bipolar disorder’s emotion. It’s almost like the bipolar is a mask and a cloak and it clothes my body and it acts like me, but acts differently enough for those who know me best to recognize a difference in me.
I feel like I am constantly balancing and fighting with myself, coming to grips with who I really am versus who my bipolar persona is and is forcing me to be. It’s a challenging concept because I can’t shake the bipolar part of me. Granted, it’s not going anywhere and I should know that by now… however, it’s hard even with the medicine, with the writing, with the talking about my feelings to shake off this feeling of sadness, agitation, aggression, paranoia, and delusions. It is upsetting knowing I am doing all the right things and I still feel like shit.
I am gonna leave this here for now and hopefully I’ll get to writing here again soon 🙂