Today is day 19 without drinking or using drugs. Maybe it is too early to say that considering it is 5:27pm and the day is just starting.

Yesterday I went to an AA meeting and it was good despite the woman who keeps buying alcohol from me at the pharmacy keeps coming to meetings and saying she has been clean and sober and it’s like no bitch you bought five New Amsterdam shooters from me the last three days in a row; you don’t get to come in here and get coddled! So that really grinds my gears. I spoke about wanting a fat bowl of weed and my bourbon and everyone laughed. Yesterday was get out of jail day back one year ago. You would think that reminiscing about jail time in the holding cell would keep me sober but honestly jail bird brain doesn’t remember the bad times that alcohol has given us; it only remembers the “good”.

After I dropped mom off at home, I went on a little date to the store with my guy. We have now been on four dates but he seems genuinely interested in me for me and I for him. He kind of looks like Adam Levine from Maroon 5 minus the tattoos, so my best friend and I nick named him Maroon 5 guy. I have dated so many people in the past that it was impossible to remember these people’s names so we dubbed them with memorable nick names. Once there was Coke guy who worked as a Coke vendor, one was called foreman guy because he was a general foreman. I think this new guy is the first to get a non occupation title and of course if he sticks around, his real name will stick.

Just to be clear, I do know his name lol. But for the purpose of the blog, privacy is important. I don’t think he knows this blog exists but if he were to find it, I don’t need to be name dropping.

After he got off work, Maroon 5 guy tells me he is drinking a beer and we end up going to the bar so I could sing karaoke. I didn’t drink and wasn’t gonna start drinking so I went to pick him up and we first went to this super busy bar but it wasn’t really my scene so I told him I would take him to my old stomping grounds. He orders a beer and I put a song in. I found a friend of mine there and spoke to him for a bit. I sang Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson and I sang sober which went worse than I imagined. I was physically shaking I was so nervous and I wasn’t nervous about singing; this guy makes me nervous. Plus without some liquid courage didn’t help the matter at all. He told me I did great and I got high fives and cheers after I sang even though my voice broke a couple times during the song. But everyone else was drunk so I guess nobody noticed. People were line dancing and some couples were dancing and all the women were yelling the lyrics.

After I got off stage we went to go smoke. I am shaking as I write this now lol. Like I have butterflies in my stomach and it’s hard to breathe and it’s not the anxiety talking. I want to see him again. I really do like this guy. And he told me he really liked me and was very affectionate which I crave. I just hope whatever happens works out for the best. I didn’t sing a second song but we stayed outside until closing around 1:30am. We fooled around in my car and then got Jack in the Box. He was a little bit drunk so it kind of was triggering to me. I haven’t had to take care of a drunk person and be the sober one in a very long time which brought on some distressing thoughts. It wasn’t bad like it didn’t want to make me drink however I was getting very agitated and was starting to get self destructive thoughts. I wanted to bang my head on the steering wheel and wanted to cut my skin. I didn’t do any of that, however, I wanted to which is disturbing.

I drove him home and got home safely after 3am. Today has been better. I went to lunch with my best friend and it was good to see him and catch up. We talked about everything that had been going on. Since then, I napped and finished laundry and putting everything away. The lair is almost clean now! I am not sure what tonight’s plan is considering I close the store tomorrow but I kind of want to sing karaoke again but I wouldn’t go without my guy. If you go to the barbershop enough times, you’re gonna get a haircut. So if I can avoid the barbershop without my accountability buddy that’s perfect.

Well that is it for me I’m gonna just chill for a while.

much love,

Dani