This post has nothing to do with Blogmas or anything associated with the holidays. This is just me brain dumping and getting things off my chest. I will probably delete this or never even post it but if I do, I’ll provide the too long don’t read version.
TL;DR : I am very alone and without many friends (and I have literally no lady friends) and honestly, its kind of nice.
Ok let’s get into it. Diego asked me a question not too long ago and he asked what relationship I would revive or try to salvage if I could. I immediately responded to my surprise that it was with my former best friend. We talked about it and he said “Yeah I don’t think that’s one you’ll ever salvage; I don’t think she will be in a place where she will ever want to be your friend again.”
He said it softly enough that it wasn’t meant to hurt me but we both know that his utterances were true beyond measure. He added, “Dani, you did a lot of stuff that scared us. It was hard to watch you go through what you did. You were trying to die.”
And thinking about that, he’s right. I should have been shot dead a long time ago. I remember going to a casino in a huge city and not having any money and I got in this random guy’s car to go get money and he had a beater car and he had recently gotten out of prison. I was in a manic high so I didn’t care if he was armed or not. I wanted to die, I just didn’t know how or what would do it. We didn’t have sex or anything it was strictly platonic but I had to give him half the money I got from the 7/11 (only place to get cash back on a debit card).
I have had sex more times than I care to admit nor do I know how many times or even half of the peoples’ names and situations. I was on a really, dark and scary path and it’s sad there were enough people in my inner circle who encouraged me to get fucked up and have sex with anything that moved and party and gamble and drive drunk and crash my car.
I can see how people needed to create boundaries and step away. There are those who still hold up their guard around me and are always on defense but those people don’t realize I am not the girl rolling up at 7/11 for $5 to gamble the last of my money away. I am not the girl who sleeps around at all anymore. But some things never change and I am still bipolar and those things could happen again if I let it. I am not about to, but it could depending on how bad my mania or my depression gets.
I sometimes become complacent in my recovery; that the blessings I have now could not have happened without recovery and without medications and the few people I do have in my corner. I really don’t drink or smoke weed, I have never touched hard drugs, I don’t gamble. I am a good person and I am on a good path. I am on honor roll at university(well, I would be if I took one more class, but I can still make cum laude when I graduate with how good my grades are). My own mother tells me everyday that she used to check on me when I got home in the morning in case I overdosed and she used to hide her purse and my dad’s wallet so I couldn’t steal from them and gamble their money away. That’s hard to hear, but it is the key to recovery. And it’s a key to her recovery sharing about how my past hurt her and my dad.
I know who my true friends are now and I don’t have any fake relationships. I kind of can be an abrasive person and I am highly emotional, but you know where you stand with me at all times. Take me or leave me, but you can’t half ass it.
I am just thankful that I am in a good place with my meds and everyone and I don’t take this life for granted because I shouldn’t be here. I am a testament to God’s power and God’s ultimate sacrifice; that He died on the cross just to save you and me. I was worth it. Just me. You are worth Him dying on the cross to save you from sin. Just you. And even as a collective of evil people that Jesus saw light in us, saw the good in us to say that you are saved from sin and darkness and you will have eternal life in Heaven.
I don’t think we are evil people, any last one of us. But we have sin and darkness in our souls and that can only be combatted with the light of Christ. I am here to share my light and my story to help combat darkness through Jesus and through Him, anything is possible. I am alive because God told me to not kill myself; that I am relentless.
Is it easy? Fuck. No.
But is living worthwhile as a sober individual (of gambling) and living a life with purpose worth it?