My Mental Health “Why”

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Hello! And greetings to you from Precarious Aquarius. This is day 3 of Blogmas, the Christmas blogging challenge to blog everyday up to and including Christmas Day. In my recent post, “coming up” I listed all the various topics that would be discussed during Blogmas with the top 5 categories being mental health, personal finance, organization, what I like, and Christmas topics.

We have had a lot of new followers in the past year or so and instead of making them dive into the deep abyss of posts I have here at Precarious Aquarius, I thought I would rehash my “why” when it comes to blogging for mental health.

If it’s your first time here or you’re just getting seated, my name is Dani. I am a 23 year old (almost 24 in February) who has bipolar two disorder. It’s been a long time since I originally got diagnosed. I was originally diagnosed with depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and PTSD at 14 years old and my formal diagnosis changed when I was 18 to bipolar for my added symptoms.

So Why do you gotta blog about mental health? Isn’t that a rather private thing that shouldn’t be talked about?

Well I am so happy that you asked that because yes it is a private and personal thing which is why we NEED to talk about it. It’s like if you had cancer or a serious physical illness or behavioral differences, you would want a platform, or at least one person to talk to. I feel as though I have been discriminated against enough times for having bipolar disorder that the conversation needs to break away from just family and friends to a public platform like this in order for more people can understand the complexities and the hardships and maybe even some of the joys of bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. Obviously I can only speak for myself but maybe you work with someone with bipolar and you want to understand them more without asking too many questions or worrying about asking the wrong question. My blog helps bridge the communication gap between people and their illnesses.

My hope with Precarious Aquarius is that I help one person! Just one. If I have helped anyone at all by telling my story and putting myself out there for all to see than I have done my part.

What is your testimony? And why do you call your blog ‘Precarious Aquarius’?

First off, I saw a sign in 2019 on a bicycle that read Precarious Aquarius and I said to my then boyfriend (not Diego) “If I ever write a blog, that’s gonna be my blog name!” and I took a picture with the sign and the rest was history.

I didn’t know what the word precarious meant at the time, but with a quick google search, I knew it HAD to be my blog name. If you know me at all, I am the most uncertain, dependent upon chance person there ever could be. And! I am an Aquarius. Not that I am a big believer in astrology, but Aquarius folks are the artsy, go with the flow, very flakey sorta people and that is me. Well, not flakey as a friend or when something is truly important, but more flakey with my passions which is why having this blog for two years come February is BEYOND me that I have held interest in something this long.

As for my testimony, I was raped and sexually assaulted on two separate occasions due to my recklessness. I know I am not to blame for these things, but if I weren’t trying to get laid or get drunk and high and gambling, I wouldn’t have gone into debt, I wouldn’t have gambled my inheritance away, I wouldn’t have flunked out of community college, I wouldn’t have gotten two different STI’s, one being from my rapist, one because I was just plain careless and stupid. I have a lot of trauma and this isn’t poor Dani talk. This is real, 100% me being transparent. I tried to end my life twice and one of the times led me to cheat on the love of my life and my relationship with him has never been the same. The other time I gambled my last paycheck away after I got kicked out of my boyfriend’s house due to my very apparent gambling addiction.

To new comers, it may sound like I am an awful person but mania and depression of bipolar disorder is a crazy thing makes you do weird shit. I acted on impulses every moment I had and now that I am medicated and don’t go off of my meds, I have been stable enough to get on honor roll at university. I have been gamble free for a year and three months. I rarely touch weed or alcohol and I no longer drink and drive. Some people encouraged me to act like this and others were appalled (at the recklessness) but God is good and I am here to share my story because I am not alone. I may not have a lot of people in my corner, but I can honestly say that I am a good person and I am a God fearing woman who loves others and treats others well.

I have learned that we all have a past, some more colorful than others. But the past makes us who we are, but does NOT predict who we can or will be. I am who I am, but I have changed for the better with meds and counseling and doing what I need to do, like using my coping mechanisms for impulsivity and for reckless behavior. My life is too precious now to risk away. Before, I didn’t care because I wanted nothing more than to die. But now, I want to die just a little less knowing it would kill my parents and family and Diego if I were to leave. I have a lot to be proud of now and this blog is one more thing to add to the list.

So yeah not to end on a depressing note, but I will say one last thing. If I or my words ever helped you at some point, let me know in the comments or by email. And if they haven’t I hope one day I can make you smile by one of my bad jokes or that you can learn something new from me.

Much love to you,

Dani

3 Comments Add yours

  1. I guess I never dived into your full back story. Thank you for sharing your blog helps me immensely to not feel so alone in my mental health struggles. I appreciate you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thank you so much, Angela! Yours does too and I consider you a friend of mine. I think of you often and wish you all the happiness in the world ❤
      -Dani

      Like

  2. You second-last paragraph says it all. It’s our pasts that make us, and they do NOT have to determine our future. Great and inspirational post here. Thanks for sharing, Dani!

    Liked by 1 person

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