No where to go, no where to hide

Photo by Anna Shvets on

I think it’s safe to say that my bipolar disorder has been getting out of hand lately, hence my lack of blogging. But let me explain.

It all kinda started on my birthday, when my friend was supposed to stop by, but no call, no text, just went MIA. I went into this fit of rage. I stewed and stewed. I was angry. I knew it was somewhat irrational how truly angry I felt, but the logic didn’t stop me from feeling the way I did.

I was angry for the rest of the night, ended up going to bed early due to it. But that isn’t the end, it is only the beginning.

I have also felt incredibly lonely in this stage of depression. A little background: my depressive state usually lasts 6-8 weeks. I’m at about the 6.5 week mark and for my mania to mix with my depression isn’t uncommon. The medication cocktail I take usually puts a grip on these emotions pretty well, but this mixed state is very scary and unpredictable.

The first sign of this emotional state of mind happened when I had a mental breakdown in front of my boss in the last week of January. I have been riding the same wave to shore, and now it’s like an epic storm has come in and washed me back out to sea.

So my loneliness has been bad and Diego has been a little missing in action himself because he is dealing with his own first ever depression. Granted, with my rigid work and school schedule, I don’t have much time for a relationship, but do I make time for one anyways? Of course.

This leads to the want and desire to feel wanted. In a romantic sense since I had been feeling neglected. The urges to cheat were back. Let me explain: I don’t want to cheat, I just want my problem to go away; I want to feel desirable. The thoughts of talking to old flings and scroll through Tinder were there. The thoughts of moving out and moving on were there.

Why didn’t I go?

I didn’t go because although I didn’t feel happy now, lately, in that moment, or might be unhappy in the near future, it did not compare to the despair that I would feel moving out, leaving Diego, and most importantly our puppy, Poncho. It wasn’t Diego’s fault for being missing in action or even depressed, much like it wasn’t my fault for being bipolar and having mood swings. However, I told a mutual friend about how I was feeling and he was supportive of me staying or leaving. In that moment, the only thing holding me back was not wanting to move and leaving my dog. Am I proud of that fact? No of course not. With all my feelings running over each other, I wanted immediate positive affirmations.

It was a shitty week to say the least. Getting laid off with no jobs in the future in sight, I was majorly behind in my math class for college. I thought I was going to lose my boyfriend, whether it be on his or my accord, I didn’t know.

My friend told me that I needed to talk to Diego and so I texted him, “I’m falling apart”. He called me on his lunch and asked what was wrong, the tears burned my eyes as we screamed back and forth how I felt; I felt that we needed to get married so we were no longer living in sin. He told me, even though he believes, he didn’t give a fuck about living in sin and that can’t be a reason to force marriage. He told me if I needed to get married now, then I was to leave.

I told him I was unhappy, which I could tell broke his heart. He then told me to leave if I was unhappy, he wouldn’t like it, but he would understand it. I told him I was lonely and he said it was my fault for avoiding school and work which meant I couldn’t make time for him. He asked me how I felt and I said I was angry, he made me angry. The tears stopped rolling down my cheeks by this point and he told me to not do anything rash. I ignored him and we hung up.

I didn’t do anything rash that day. He got home and was surprised to see me there. He came home to a clean house. He thought I was going to leave. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

I still don’t know what I am going to do.

I just don’t know.


One Comment Add yours

  1. Bruce Cooper says:

    Lifted you up in prayer Dani. Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

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