Validation

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I didn’t have time to post yesterday, so I will double post today so this post is #Blogtober20 – Day 17

This idea of validation in the sense of a therapeutic or a communication mechanism is so important for both the talker and the listener and vice versa. Without an idea or sense of validation of feelings, intent, or emotion, there would be no point in talking.

I’ll give you an example of something that has happened recently in my life that has triggered inspiration for this post. So if ya’ll couldn’t already tell, I am naturally a very blunt, honest to a fault sort of person when it comes to my own feelings and emotions about a certain matter. My friend is very… how do I put this nicely? Is very submissive and a severe people-pleaser. He is very loyal to a fault and that is something I respect a lot about him.

In some ways, he and I are very similar when it comes to intellect and common interests. But our personalities couldn’t be more opposite in how we address certain matters. One matter that came up recently was money. We both had been known to borrow money from one another on occasion or if we would go out for drinks, it never was about who paid the tab last; our friendship was based on who was in a better position to pay the tab at that time and based on love for one another, despite how little we could really offer each other.

When I received my last mutual fund financial bailout aka emptied out my mutual fund to address some debt, my friend was hurting pretty good and so I threw $125 his way. I know it’s not much, but he had recently bought me some gifts and frequently hung out with me during my surgical recovery, so it was the least I could after he asked for $40, I just paid the extra $85 because I knew he could use it and he would pay me back once he got his feet back under him when he returned to work from his foot surgery.

Then I find out buddies of his from the store are paying his way to go to Las Vegas and he’s asking me to go on this trip with him, knowing I couldn’t with my surgery that just happened and my already addressed gambling problem. I felt this was a slap in the face him going on the trip; not because I couldn’t nor would I go, but because he had been back to work for a decent amount of time at this point and to not pay me back ANY of the borrowed money was disrespectful.

Normally I would say it’s not about who paid the tab last, and it’s not about who owes who money, but now I have been out of a month’s pay and he’s had three paychecks underneath his belt, not to mention two of his wife’s paychecks and between two incomes in about a month’s time, you’re telling me that between two people, you can’t squander up $100… not even, I would take half and accept that as fair. So you’re telling me, you don’t have $60 after not paying for a $500 trip to Vegas, all you have is rent, utilities, and two car payments, and both people make more than I did ever in my life. That’s utter bullshit, or extremely bad budgeting.

Trust me, I am no master at finances myself, but if I owe someone money I find a way to pay back those I love before I go on major vacations without having the means to do so. I think if there was a legitimate excuse as to why he couldn’t pay me, I can be accepting of that, but then after I bring up the topic of money he guilts me into feeling sorry for the poor thing and saying that, “I’m such a fuck up for not paying you back” so I have to console him and his feelings and make him feel better because him making a simple mistake is now my fault and I have to wear the pants in the friendship for sure.

Overall, I think his behavior is toxic. I should be able to share my feelings, thoughts, and opinions openly with him without having to worry about the being of his mental health afterwards. He has a right to be emotional and upset after I say some brutal truths, but to hold that against me is uncalled for.

I understand that his intentions were to always pay me back, but they were never known to me. I kept getting angrier and angrier as I let the pot simmer and I kept stirring and stirring until the anger flowed out. The part about letting my anger get out of hand was my fault, but it was his fault as well for not communicating with me his intentions. He says he will pay me back after he gets paid after he gets back from Vegas, but that isn’t helpful when I have bills to pay now.

Last Wednesday when I went and talked to my friend, I also saw and talked to Diego for a long time. We caught up and have been inseparable ever since seeing each other. Wednesday evening, my friend said that if I start having sex and talking to Diego, all my progress that I have made will be ruined, which I thought was incredibly rude.

To spite my friend, just a little bit, Diego and I have been talking everyday without my friend’s knowledge because I don’t need any negativity in my life at the moment. Tomorrow night, Diego and I leave for Portland, Oregon and we will be doing some shopping while down there. I’m excited to be hanging out without all the negativity that Diego and I once had, it’s like no time has passed yet so much time has passed all at the same time.

I just want my friend to validate how I feel, but I’m not sure if he will or not. But I guess time will tell.

Much love,

Dani

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