re·lent·less/rəˈlen(t)ləs/adjective oppressively constant; incessant.”the relentless heat of the desert”
I am not sure why, nor may I ever know why, but this word has been put on my heart lately. It is quite literally what kept my head above water this past week. As I mentioned previously, I briefly and quite vividly contemplated suicide by drowning on Monday.
Last night, I get another text message I didn’t want to hear… I was supposed to move into an apartment with this girl I went to high school with come the end of September. We paid the application fees, got our background checks done, credit checks, and I paid the admin fee. But now she decides she cannot afford it. She makes about as much as me, has less expenses than I do, but claims that she just can’t swing it. I suppose it’s better to hear now rather than after we moved in, but it would have been better if she had come to this realization BEFORE she had me pay $300 toward an apartment I will never be able to afford on my own.
Not to mention on Tuesday, I had to withdrawal every last cent and dime that was in my mutual fund to support this endeavor. My nana money is now gone. Everything she worked so hard for to give to her children and grandchildren… I am so disgusted with myself. The money I had to take out was strictly to go to education. But due to my bad gambling addiction and being jobless for most of 2020, I have spent roughly $25,000 dollars of it and have a measly eight grand left.
Then this afternoon (Friday), I get a phone call from an unknown number. I answer and I hear, “Hey this is Susan!”
It’s my surgery scheduler.
I groan. I had just confirmed with my employer that I wasn’t going to be having surgery for a while. I was finally about to start doing my actual job as a debt collector.
I say, “Hi! What’s up?”
She tells me that she has me in the books for surgery for Monday, September 21st. And that I will have to get retested for COVID-19 on Wednesday….
I start to drown her out with my own thoughts.
Shit. The 21st is about a week away. I took off most of this week for my eye and bladder infection.. it’s 25 minutes til end of shift. How am I supposed to email my supervisor and HR in time to get this approved by Monday? I can only work Monday and Tuesday and will need the rest of the week to prepare. Then I need the following three weeks off to rest, without pay of course. Good thing my check came in today so I can pay ahead on everything…
“Danielle? Can you make it in on the 21st?”
“Yes. Yes, ma’am. I will… I will make it work! Thank you much. Buh bye.”
Well somehow I manage to get the go ahead from my manager before 5pm. Another God moment. Every thing is falling into place. I of course thought it was rather funny the date of it all. Had I gotten married and followed through with my engagement, I would be having my one year of marriage anniversary with Diego on the 21st…
I just find it weird how if things would have actually worked out between us, things would be very different than they are today. But I’m learning that where I am at is okay. There is no reason to feel that I am not worthy of one day being married when I’m truly ready. There is no reason to be discouraged at where I stand with myself at the moment.
And that is not to say I should be complacent with myself in this time either. I have a lot of work I must do in order to improve myself and my well being. I now take ownership over that. But I should not be discouraged to the point of giving up or throwing in the towel.
It is now Saturday early morning. I spent my evening last night with Justin, of all people. For those who don’t know much about me or my dating history, Justin is the gorgeous man whom I cheated on Diego with over two and a half years ago. He and I worked together for a bank. I remember Diego being incredibly jealous that I worked with such an intimidating and attractive man.
Anyways, he and I have stayed in touch over the years since I still bank with the old bank I used to work for. I saw him during my lunch break when I deposited my mutual fund checks. He is one of the top bankers in the district. Very successful.
We texted all afternoon and we decided to hang out that evening. We fooled around a bit, but he was making me angry because of how naturally selfish he can and was being. He could tell I was upset but didn’t do anything to change that fact. I mean between the fooling around, we talked quite a bit. He’s a good listener and all, but my feelings about him and the whole ordeal solidified how much I don’t want to fool around with guys anymore.
It solidified the fact that I, fundamentally, have changed as a person; that I have grown. I am not looking to fool around and have random hook ups anymore. Which is a huge step for me. Justin, whom I have been head over heels in like with him for years and years, no longer piqued my interest anymore since his goals truly did not align with mine.
However, I have been talking with my friend, Chris. He is stationed in San Diego, CA for work. I met him when I was a mechanic. I haven’t seen or really talked to him since May of this year. I remember meeting up with him when we all thought Diego’s mom had cancer in her neck and I asked for Chris’ advice because his dad died of cancer many years back.
I video chatted with Chris before I went over to Justin’s. It was funny. No matter how long we go without talking, it’s like no time has passed at all. We don’t shut up and talk over each other. This week I joked with him that he has to fly me down to SoCal to come see him.
I showed him some good reasons and solid evidence of why this endeavor must be pursued. He ended up almost booking my trip over video chat. So with that being said, I will most likely be working Monday and Tuesday of this next week.. fly out Wednesday evening and return Sunday night and have foot surgery on Monday.
Chris is the one who introduced me to my love for karaoke. We always have a ball together and I am looking forward to what this may become. I think he still has feelings for me from when we dated. I don’t think my feelings for him ever went away when I broke up with him… He knew I wanted to make things desperately work with Diego, so I never gave Chris a fair chance. He is like minded to me, but responsible, respectful, honest, a good communicator, a good listener, and so on.
He is very intuitive so when my communication is lacking due to my bipolar disorder, he can usually get my hints or clues and is very kind to me as he knows well enough about the insanity that is my mind.
We talked about the promise ring he bought me. He was surprised that I kept it all this time. I was trying to find it while we were on the phone, but couldn’t through all the boxes. I guess I can unpack now considering I won’t be moving anytime soon. Because I want to find that ring before I go down to see him.
I think the doors that were closing have finally closed, but all of the windows of opportunity are starting to slowly, but surely open.
As far as being relentless goes… I think it’s just a solid adjective. It is synonymous with courage and perseverance. Although it can have a negative connotation, in my case, I use it in a more biblical sense such as, “God’s love is relentless.” Which is so true.
Despite my lack of worthiness and desirability on my own, through Christ, I am a beautiful, worthy, desirable, and faithful child of God. I am contemplating getting the word ‘relentless’ on the back of my forearm. It is the word that God has set on my heart to get through this dark time in my life. Not only does it show His character, it also shows my own and how steadfast I have been in regard to my life.
Well I think that’s enough for one blog post…
Til next time, friends.