Flights are booked. In three days, twenty hours, four minutes and thirty three seconds I will be in San Diego to see Chris! But who’s counting… it’s not like I have a countdown app on my phone or anything…. 😉
He and I talked throughout the day while he worked his overtime and tonight he asked me what the point of going down to see him was.
My heart stopped.
No. I cannot handle someone whom I truly care for kick me out of their life yet again. I hope he doesn’t cancel the trip, I mean. His happiness is more important than my desire to see him and hang out in a beautiful city. But I hope I don’t ruin our friendship with my response. What do I say? What do I say?!
I respond saying, “Because I like you.”
“What are your intentions with me?”
… This stumped me. But I had to eloquently, yet quickly say why we should make things work between us.
I write to him, “I think it would be fun, but I’m finally in that point of my life where I’m done fucking around and getting screwed over by random guys. You’ve always been good to me and I took advantage of that and for that I do apologize. I’ve grown and changed a lot as a person this past year. It’s in your wheelhouse on what you want to do. I would like to make something work with you. We make great friends, but I would like to see things move forward from that. I know I have hurt you in the past and maybe even recently, but it is not my intention to ever do that again because you don’t deserve that. You deserve the best girl around 110% and I’m probably not her, but I want to be that person for you.”
“That was nice what you said. I am looking forward to having you here on Wednesday.”
Some other things were said in regard to the continuing conversation. Basically, it can be summed up as he and I both are open to what this trip could potentially mean for us, whether it be deepening our friendship or beginning a new relationship. We both decided it wasn’t the time or the medium to make this decision and that we have hundreds of time to decide either way. I told him I wasn’t saying ‘let’s get married tomorrow’, but I was being honest as to how I felt and as to what I wanted now and in the future.
So the conversation ended with me getting plane tickets for Wednesday, September 16th to Sunday, September 20th. Every day the weather will be 80+ degrees and although it will be smoky due to all of the fires on the Pacific coast, it will still be the trip of a lifetime.
In a way, I feel like this is a second chance of redemption with him. I could tell from our conversation that I really hurt him emotionally when I broke up with him to pursue Diego. I feel terrible because he never deserved to be treated the way I treated him. I think feelings are mutual between each other and I know when I run into his arms at the airport, it will be like no time has passed because that’s how it’s always been with him and I.
I just know in my heart that I truly want to make this work, God willing. But I cannot nor will not break up with Chris just to pursue other relationships because I got bored. Not only is that totally unfair to him, it’s also not who I am as a person anymore. It’s almost like in this week alone I no longer lust after the men that have held my heart captive for such a long time; I broke free from the bondage of lust. I mean, think about it. I no longer have feelings for Justin or Daniel or Diego. Sure, there are people I find attractive and like to talk to and Justin and Daniel are some of those people. But I am no longer heart broken, waiting by the phone for them to call me.
I think overall this week has been pretty life changing, in a good way. Not only did I conquer my own demons of suicide, I conquered the lusts that held my heart captive and made my mind heavy with worry. I am evolving into the person I want to be and that is thrilling. As I keep saying, all these doors of closure are finally shutting for the final time, as I begin to feel a breeze from a window opened wide for me.
Now it’s time to just lean into the fall as the wind catches between my wings and I soar in three…