I’m not perfect

Selfie, September 6th, 2020

I have been one to fuck up royally in life. I am ashamed, but I am no longer the barren shell of a woman I was before. I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am strong, an independent, world changer, advocate, ally, friend, and lover to this world. I am faithful to God who loves me relentlessly. He shall never fail me, even when I fall short of His glory daily.

But I am a severe gambler.

I am a cheater.

I lie.

I am selfish.

I want what’s best for me for my own personal gain.

I am stubborn and obstinate.

The list goes on.

But I am rebuilding my life and myself, looking inwards first and foremost. Good thing I never claim to be perfect because I fall short every time. With that being said, in order to take care of someone, your cup that encompasses who you are as a person must be overflowing and by pouring yourself out to someone, you are sharing your truth, your love, your goodness. But every time you sin and experience addiction or issues of some kind, it detracts from what you have to give to others.

Right now, I am trying to fill others cups with an empty glass. How does that even work?! Well… it doesn’t. I must work on filling my own cup with the glory of God and eternal goodness and kindness and allow others to pour into me through fellowship and out of their own excess of love in order to be able to share my own wealth.

In other words, I am a well run dry. Drinking from my well will only make others ill or hinder them. I can keep digging downwards and inwards to see if I hit water again, but then it makes it harder for others to drink from my well. They simply cannot use the water because it’s contaminated. I need a fresh source of water to fill my well until it rains again.

But finding that fresh source of water who can fill me cup, to fill my well is what is tricky. It’s easy to say that I need someone or something to fill me up; to fulfill my needs and desires. But what I really need to do is wait for the rain to come; God will flourish my well with an abundance of water shall I let him to do so in His timing. He is pure and He is truth and the light of life. He shall provide.

I know I am being impatient. I have a feeling that if I work on myself, I will be rewarded with surplus of what I needed, along with what I want. I just hate the idea of relying on anyone else for my own joy. I want to do it on my own, but that’s not how love works; that was never how God intended for humans to be. We are meant to be reliant on the Heavenly Father who shall give us everything we need, who fills us with peace and joy.

I started writing this post 6 days ago when I was feeling my lowest. Now I am feeling like my true self again and this post no longer resonates me. It’s weird how you can feel one way in one moment and even by the next moment after that, every feeling you had can vanish. Granted this wasn’t an instantaneous change, it was rather gradual. But I am in such a different mindset and place in my life than I was even last week.

There is a lot of truth in this post, I am indeed not perfect. Nor do I try to be because like I said, I will fall short of perfection every time. But I would like to point out that even in this past month, those who are closest to me have noticed a major change in me.

Some may say I’m finally growing up and out of my old ways. Others may say that now that I’m leaning on God more than ever, He has changed me and my self centered ways. I think it’s a bit of both.

Everything is falling apart and coming together so seamlessly all at the same time. My living arrangements may have fallen through, my job isn’t what I want it to be, I had to be seen by the emergency department twice in two days, I didn’t have good experiences in the dating world with the men I thought were honest and good people, and my relationship with God is lacking on my part.

But with that, I am getting surgery in a week, my work is understanding of my situation with my unexpected illnesses and sudden surgery, my friends and especially Brent has truly stepped up to be there for me since I have been more social and allowing people in my life to fill my cup so to speak. Not only that, but my parents took me in when no one else would, otherwise I would be homeless. Those men who I deemed unattainable and rejected me were not worth my while and I no longer fixate on them. My lust for those who don’t deserve it is gone. I am two days away from going on this trip of a life time. I am working on my relationship with God daily and even though it’s a work in progress and deserves serious improvement, I’m getting there.

I can finally say that I am intrigued by what the future can offer me and I want to stick around to see it. In the words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” To think that I almost ended my life last week, I wouldn’t have been able to conquer my adversities and see what the future has to offer. Things are looking up, I know I say that often but when you are on the never ending roller coaster ride that is bipolar disorder, there aren’t many times when you aren’t looking up, just anticipating the drops and the peaks that are about to come.

It’s an adventure for sure, but it’s not a roller coaster ride I would trade for anything.

Til next time,

Dani

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