I am halfway between self harming and keying this dude’s car. I have never been in such a mixed bipolar state in my life. I am going between sobbing every other minute to these bouts of rage in the off times between the crying fits. I feel as though it’s good to get these emotions out, but being alone is making the toxicity of my emotions a lot worse. So here I am, blogging about it.
Basically, Daniel, the pharmacy tech, isn’t about giving me the time of fucking day. In his defense, first date he said there was never a chance of us getting together. But his actions and words hold as polar opposites; almost like he is bipolar! Ha!
He sent me some very cold blooded messages about how I shouldn’t read into something that isn’t there and that “he doesn’t not like me or there is something wrong with me or that somebody else couldn’t like me.” It sounds a lot worse over text, but for whatever reason, I am trying to defend him and his actions and words.
At the moment, I am done with relationships. I am done with endless screwing around. I am just done. I am fighting for my life at this moment. I need to take a Xanax and go to sleep. I need to do chores I have been slacking on. I need to get the idea of marriage, the white picketed fence, and babies out of my mind.
Clearly, this is a sign that I am not emotionally, physically, or mentally ready to date. It has nothing to do with Diego, it has nothing to do with the men I have been talking to. Although I have been allowing these “men” to treat me like utter shit for some time now, this decision to stop dating has every reason to do with me. I can’t deal with the rejection right now. I can’t deal with the lack of communication. I need to stabilize and reevaluate what I want and need in a new relationship.
Yes I say relationship because eventually, that is what I will need. Not a one night stand, not a fuck friend, but a potential husband. But not now, not for a very long time. This sacrifice I am giving for other people who don’t give a fuck about me is driving me literally insane. I didn’t think that could be possible.
Now I am back to anger. I am angry at Daniel, but more importantly I am angry at myself for not trusting my instincts. I knew Daniel wouldn’t be good for me, yet I started a conversation with him. Yet I went out with him.. twice. I thought him giving me momentary attention was enough for me. Which apparently it isn’t.
And now I am back to still being heart broken about it. I just want to be loved and intimate with someone who cares. But I need to fill my heart with love, kindness, and self care first. I need to get rid of the ugliness in my heart along with the new found jadedness. I can’t be so trusting of those who don’t deserve it. I can’t pour my heart out to anyone who will listen. Those random men have one thing in mind and one thing in mind, only.
(Let me just say they don’t care about my intelligence, worthiness, my love for God, or anything that truly matters. They care about what I can offer them; whatever is underneath my dress.)
But I know I deserve more than that. I do, I truly do.
I think I’ll be ok. My moods have seem to have calmed down and normalized for the most part.
Until next time, my friends.