Suicidal Tendencies

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I know I have been almost obsessively posting depressing shit as of lately, but I need to get this off my chest, and you, my dear, are one of the few I can confide in.

Tonight I was very close to ending it all. It sounds so dramatic and cliche or over rated, maybe. But that’s how I felt with every fiber in my being. After my incident of depression aggression; going back and forth between the two emotions in quick succession otherwise known as rapid cycling… I went for a drive.

The drive lead me to the casino where I proceeded to lose every dime that I have to my very name. All the money I had saved for this new apartment and towards living expenses and bills that are due in a few days. I kept thinking I was going to win it big, so I kept pulling out money because I kept getting small wins here and there; just enough to think that the machine was gonna pop out a grand prize. But it never did.

I left with guilt in my heart and this morbid, overwhelming feeling that I have no idea how I can now pay off my maxed out credit cards, 30k car loan, my 7k personal loan that originally consolidated all of my debt. I had no idea how I could keep up with this new apartment that I am looking forward to. I have no idea how long I can last at this horrible job I have that I cannot stand. But without the job, I cannot do anything; I can’t pay bills, or even feed into my gambling addiction.

I had no idea how I could now possibly afford to take a leave of absence from work to have the much needed foot and knee surgery sometime in the near future. It reminded me I had about 8k of my inheritance money squared away in an investment account. It was in a college fund, but I figure if I close out the account altogether, I can use this money to dig myself out of the huge hole I put myself into in the first place.

Not how my nana would have been wanting me to spend this money, but I literally have no other option. Finding another job is out of the question due to my foot and until I can recover from foot surgery. But even with fees being taken out, I can afford rent, pay down my credit cards, get everything squared away. Then I can join Gambler’s Anonymous. Because gambling has taken away my relationships, my home, and now it’s jeopardizing my car and my future living arrangements and everything I thought I had going well in my life.

As I left the casino, I begin to sob, driving to the nearest park where I could just sit and cry and breathe and pray to God for forgiveness and for answers. I texted Brent, my best friend saying that I was going to kill myself, that I didn’t care anymore. In hindsight I shouldn’t have said this because even though I believed it to be true and I wanted nothing more than to do this… it wasn’t fair to him for making him worry about my stupid ass who doesn’t have the nerve to kill herself anyways.

He’s calling me and texting me. When I finally pulled over, I answered his third call. He just talked to me as I cried hard and although he is not a believer in God, he kept telling me to pray and that I am here for good reason.

He got off the phone and I sat and deep breathed for a while until I could catch my breath. It’s always when I need Xanax the most that I never have any on me.

I made it home safely and messaged him that I had made it home safely. I took two .5 mg pills and now I am writing my survival story. I am feeling a little drowsy now and feel at peace. It feels good to be able to catch my breath finally and not be uncontrollably crying. My parents asked me what was wrong and I played it off like nothing happened because I know they will stop helping me with some of my bills if I can’t pull my shit together.

I am just trying to make a better life for me and my future husband and family, but feel as though I am failing miserably. Maybe one day I won’t feel like this anymore, but today isn’t that day. And that’s ok.

Til next time,

Dani

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Bruce Cooper says:

    Hi Dani, my name is Bruce and I just happened to come across your post. That’s some pretty heavy stuff you’ve been dealing with. I noted that you indicated that you believe in God and that is obviously a good thing but unfortunately believing in God, without taking His advice to heart, really isn’t going to change anything, as long as you remain in the driver’s seat. No lectures here from me about gambling because I was in the same boat you are now in, many years ago. The real issue is about control and who is the source of the road map you will follow. The long and the short of it is that nothing will really change until you see your need and give God the go ahead to put His love for you, into a position where He can do for you, what you in yourself cannot do. He will not violate your free will, He just doesn’t work that way. I just lifted you up in prayer, if I can be of any assistance just let me know. God’s grace, peace and blessings on you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your prayers and kind words. God and I have had a very strained relationship in recent years. I still consider myself to be a newer believer in Christ and with them comes doubt and control issues. Something that I need to pray about and read scripture to understand how to truly let go and let God. I just gave your blog a follow. I appreciate your kindness and fellowship immensely! I will keep you in my prayers as well.

      Like

      1. Bruce Cooper says:

        Thanks Dani. I understand about how difficult giving control to God is, I really do but . . . it really is the key. He will not become real to you until you actually make Him your priority in your life and take His guidance as your path. The thing is that He is really real and He does love you much more than you can understand and He will show you that if you let Him. If you are still praying at times, that is a good thing. You’re on my prayer list. Blessings to you and yours Dani.

        Liked by 1 person

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