I’m slowly coming to terms what happened yesterday and how truly close I was to self harming or going into the hospital. If it weren’t for Brent, my ride or die best friend or for Jesus for intervening, I would simply put, be dead.
Yesterday after my gambling incident, I texted anybody I could think of that could be there for me. For whatever reason, Brent wasn’t responding immediately like he normally does. My plan was to get into my vehicle and drown it with myself in the car in the middle of Puget Sound. As I was about to reach my destination, I sob, praying to God… “God if you’re real, you will reach out to me somehow, someway to intervene..” As soon as those words left my mouth, Brent calls and I look down to several missed text messages and video chat phone calls.
As I pull into the beach parking lot, I answer the phone via Bluetooth. I was sobbing hard as Brent said I didn’t have to say anything, for me to just let it out and that he wasn’t going anywhere. I found out earlier today he was in the middle of watching a movie with his wife and that he left to go call me privately. I ruined his night, having him worry about me; having him think he wouldn’t have a best friend anymore once morning came around.
We discussed the situation in depth this morning and he didn’t want me to feel bad about anything. I did the right thing by talking to him. Otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. I would be dead.
I do not think however if I hadn’t relied on God, Brent wouldn’t have called me in time. I had just made my way to the beach to drown myself once he called, or at least I noticed his calls through the heavy sobs I cried.
I know he had been in my shoes before and despite him not knowing what to say, hearing him breathe life on the other end of the line was enough. It was more than enough to realize that God put me on this Earth for a reason. I ain’t goin’ nowhere anytime soon. The kid still got some fight left in her.
I am left feeling so selfish for even thinking that was a viable option. Because suicide is selfish. It’s not fair to your parents, siblings, partner, friends, to God or anyone else for that matter. You are worthy and thoughtfully and beautifully made. You deserve to inhale the oxygen made from the atmosphere and exhale your very breath to get rid of your body’s toxins. You are worthy of breathing, you are worthy of living, and most importantly you are worthy of fulfilling your dreams and goals, despite whatever setbacks or skills you think you lack.
I, and everyone else in this world for that matter, have a lot more ass kicking to do. Our story is still being written. You are the only one who can write it. I can’t do it for you and neither can anyone else.
I owe a serious apology to Brent. For failing him. For not trusting in his love for me. No we have never been intimate nor would we ever, but he is blood; he is family. He checks all the boxes that a best friend could. That and more. He has relentlessly fought for us to be strong, despite me pushing him away when I felt like it conveniences me most. For thinking he wouldn’t stick around. I was wrong. We have been through thick and thin. We know secrets that no one will ever know besides each other. I am so pleased to have him as my ride or die. What he doesn’t know is he will one day help my father walk me down the aisle when I eventually get married. He will get the third dance at my wedding where our song, Dancing Queens by ABBA will play. He will be the uncle to my children. And I will be the one crying the hardest when it’s time to say our final goodbyes, God forbid.
I owe God an apology. One of my blog viewers commented stating that my love for Jesus simply is not enough. It’s not enough for me to be a believer in Christ anymore. I need to let go and let God. Because me being in control clearly is not working. I need to have a real relationship with God, start truly praising him and ask for forgiveness. I need to do a lot of work in my life, God knows, but how to go about it is still new to me.
I am a fighter. My readers… are fighters. You… are a fighter. When you are at your lowest, please reach out to someone, anyone. I will always be here for you. I am praying for each and everyone of you reading this. I pray for strength and peace. I pray for perseverance. I pray for joy. These moments where we may feel as though we are failing or are not enough, know that you matter. I need you. God needs you. People in your life need you. It’s overwhelming, I know. But you have the power within yourself to keep up the good fight. The darkness and demons cannot win. The light and goodness shines within each of us that conquers all else.
God conquered the grave to save you. To save me. We owe our everything to Him. And that’s okay. He will not allow us to perish, but by believing in Him, He will grant us everlasting life in Heaven. It’s an uphill battle, but the benefit of that is that we are at rock bottom.
From rock bottom, there is only way to go: and that’s up.
Til next time,