I wonder…

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I wonder if I will ever find love. If I will ever find someone who can tolerate my bipolar disorder, who can tolerate me. And I don’t mean just tolerate me. I need a man to actually want to be with me and not care about what I can do for him. I love taking care of others, especially my future spouse; but I need to be taken care of in return as well.

I guess this is just me being lonely. I just hurt all day, every day. I don’t miss or want to be the one who lies down next to my ex anymore. I think I have passed that toxic point in my life.

Let me just reiterate that…

I would rather lie next to the right person in bed and be intimate with them rather than the wrong person and feel a lot worse afterwards…

That has been a huge epiphany I have had since I met Daniel and had our two dates. We are supposed to have a third date on Tuesday or Wednesday. When I told him how much I hate sleeping alone he responds with, “It’s better to sleep alone than to wake up next to the wrong person.”

I really took that to heart and decided he’s right. No matter what happens between him and I; I am done sleeping around with random guys for the Hell of it. I need to get to know someone who is going to respect me and not use me for my body or what I can do for them.

Although this a great coming to terms moment for me, it doesn’t take away the pain that I am in now. I don’t even miss Diego. I have fallen out of love with him a long time ago. It was just easier to be with someone whom I thought cared than to be alone. Because facing a broken image of just yourself in the mirror is a lot more difficult than facing the music with someone by your side.

I want so badly to run into the arms of someone who just gets me. Who is gonna love me for me. Who won’t judge or persecute me. Who will communicate with me and be honest and respectful and kind.

But I have faith that God has a plan for me because even I do not have a plan for myself. Other than the fact I am moving out of my parents’ home in three weeks. That and I am no longer fucking around. Other than that, I have no plan. I’m coming to terms with trusting in God more and more because my life is so broken otherwise. It’s comforting to know someone has my back indefinitely.

And that isn’t to discredit my friends at all! My friends who believe in Jesus get it, but my friends who don’t may feel as though I am not trusting in them and our friendship. I do and my relationships with those who have reached out to me have been saving my ass from doing something completely stupid each and every day. Without my friends, I wouldn’t be here. But without God, I would be rotting in Hell after committing suicide.

As I sit here writing this, I am shaking badly. It reminds me that I need to keep taking my medication. It reminds me I need to find a therapist. It reminds me that I need to keep talking and to keep writing. I am not alone. I am worthy. I am worthy of finding true love. I am made in God’s image and every hair on my head is numbered; that is how much He loves us and took time into making us, as fellow brothers and sisters.

The shaking has stopped slightly as I think and pray to God to grant me with peace of heart. Peace of mind and body as well.

Well that’s all I got tonight, folks.


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