fill the empty spaces

Photo by Marco Trinidad on

I have the song “affection” by between friends stuck in my head.

“Oh I’m looking for affection in all the wrong places. We’ll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces.

between friends, “affection”

I am craving an intimate connection. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like I want to experience true love for the first time all over again. You know, the intensity, the magnetism that’s involved, the chemistry.

Don’t worry, though. Diego and I are fine, I haven’t ruined anything or burnt my bridges. This is just my bipolar brain thinking.

I just want the constant affirmation that I am beautiful and hot and kind and whatever other characteristics that I may possess that Tinder provides, without using tinder. I’m sure Diego would feel offended if I were to say that we lost our spark. I mean, the chemistry is there, but it’s not like our first few running dates, having picnics with his parents’ dogs, or running through the school’s automatic sprinkler in the middle of the night.

I just don’t know how to get back to that chapter; the one that everything falls together so seamlessly.

I just talked to him. I said it was weird we weren’t sleeping in the same bed and that I miss the things we used to do together. He just said it’s not the same, we are in different places and that we’re different people. I told him that I didn’t understand why we couldn’t add any sort of spice back in our relationship, but he wasn’t having none of that. It suddenly became an argument when it didn’t have to be one.

I removed myself from the situation after he conceded that he would sleep with me, and after he ignored every other thing I brought up.

But like I said, I took a little vacay from my medication so I’m experiencing ultimate highs and lows in quick succession and it’s completely my fault. I have to take responsibility for my actions, but there is still the sting of truth behind this magnitude of feelings and emotions.

The truth is this: I feel alone, and that what I do is not enough in this relationship. He has so many anger outbursts at every little thing, and I’m worried. I have made this house a home; it isn’t enough. I do the dishes everyday, clean the kitchen and clean up his messes everyday, I cook dinner and serve him hand and foot as soon as he gets in the door; it’s still not enough. He explodes if those things aren’t done to his liking and assumes that now that I work from home, I have all the time in the world to do these things whereas when he gets home from work, he can’t be bothered to put his Romeo boots on the shoe rack at the front door.

I know; normally all this wouldn’t bother me, but the bipolar frenzy of my mind is real. I can’t escape the madness that is in my mind. I just want it ll the be over with and I can’t get my mind to not feel that way.

Anyways, this has turned into yet another rant than anything else so I’ll leave this here…


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