Being up all night has me thinking about all sorts of things. Maybe I should just go to bed, but my thoughts keep tumbling out of me like an avalanche so here I sit, writing. March 21st, 2020 would have marked my 6 month anniversary of my wedding day with Diego… had I gotten married. I have written about Diego a lot, but the past couple days I have been MIA due to him so in order to clear my head, I am going to lay everything out and get things off my chest as I listen to “our” playlist on Spotify.

Here is a quick timeline of Diego and I’s entire relationship:

• First Met: September 6th, 2014 — I was 16 and a half and he just turned 21. He was one of the front end supervisor’s at the grocery store I worked out. It was my first day. It was a Tuesday, I believe. I was a courtesy clerk.
• First “Date”: December 29th, 2015 — he and I dated other people and I was actually still dating my abusive ex, Jake at this time. So it wasn’t really a date per se, but we both were interested in one another romantically, and he paid for dinner, so I think that counts as a date. I was to turn 18 at the beginning of February and he was 22 and a half. We nearly had sex, but I stopped myself since I was still in a relationship.
• December 30th, 2015 — I broke up with Jake. It went horribly wrong and he stalked me for months after, but we never get together after this.
• Late June-Early July 2016 — Diego asks me to be his girlfriend after talking, texting, and constantly hanging out together since January. I don’t remember which day or even the correct month, but he asked me out while on one of our 5k runs in the evening.
• September 1st, 2017 — we move into a shitty rental house together. It was a one bedroom, one bath house. It was 1,000 square feet in size. It had a huge living space and a tiny galley kitchen. The kitchen sink leaked constantly, we didn’t have hot water for the first month of living there, and the insulation was terrible so we froze in the winter and roasted in the summer. It was a true luxury having a home to ourselves for only $1,000 a month!
• January ?, 2018 — I cheated on Diego with Justin. If you want to know more about that, I wrote all about it in my blog post titled, “Why I cheated.”
• February 6th, 2018 — aka my 20th birthday. Diego found out I cheated. Although we didn’t break up on this day or even the next. We decided to make things work and still live together and split the bills. This arrangement lasted until…
• March 2018 — Break up #1 … we continued to live together and continue on as we did before. We slept in the same bed, but we were NOT together.
• Mid April 2018 — Get back together #1
• Mid May 2018 — Break up #2 – same arrangements as break up #1
• Early June 2018 — Diego kicked me out of the house and then asked me to pay my half of the rent, even though I no longer lived there because I was the one that fucked up therefore I had to go. I moved back in with my parents.
• June 13th, 2018 — I was raped.
• End of June 2018 — I had my worst ever manic rage episode. Basically Diego was fucking a co-worker of ours and it made me incredibly jealous, even though we weren’t dating. I periodically would drive by our house to see who was there and one day, I see her car there which sent me into a blind rage. I pulled into the drive way. I could see her knocking on the front door from my car; they were going to hook up IN MY HOUSE and IN MY BED! “Oh, hell no!”, I thought as I jumped out of my car. As I walk up the steps, she says in an ever so joyful voice, “Ohhhh did you come over to drink with us?!” I pull out my keys and unlock the front door. This startles Diego as he stands in the doorway, witnessing me scowl at her and I quickly walk past him. He yells, “What the fuck are you doing here, Dani?” I quickly reply, “WHERE THE HELL IS MY LOTION?!” “I don’t have it” “Yes you do!” I searched the house for it and it is no where to be found… obviously. All my stuff was at my parents’ house. I yell, “I want my goddamn money. I want this month’s portion of my rent back and last month’s money too. I refuse to pay rent for a place you kicked me out of!” The girl just stood there with a crooked grin on her face. He yells he doesn’t have it and I gotta pay because he can’t afford the place without my half. We fought until he threatened to call the cops for trespassing. I told him it wasn’t trespassing if my name was also on the lease, which it was, I made damn sure it was. I walked away that day with no lotion but close to $1,100 cash, no obligation to pay any further rent, and a threat that he would call the cops the next time I came over. I was pleased.
• Early July 2018 — I tell Diego I was raped and we get back together for the second time. (Two separate events.) I move back in and begin paying rent.
• August 31st, 2018 — we end our year long lease at the house. We decided to move back in to our respective parents’ houses to save money and rebuild our relationship.
• September 2018 — Break up #3 and get back together #3
• October 26th, 2018 — Diego proposes and I say yes and we are then engaged!
• December 16th, 2018 — Break up #4. After two months planning an entire wedding, I was done. By this point, I had bought a wedding dress, booked a venue, and have every detail meticulously planned out. I was overwhelmed. I was afraid. I couldn’t commit. So I broke things off.
• December 30th, 2018 — Diego and I go to a Seattle Seahawks game. It was his Christmas present that I had planned since September, and I wasn’t going to let a break up ruin his gift. I left early after having a panic attack. Then we don’t talk for about a month after the game.
• End of January 2019 — Diego and I start talking
• February 7th-9th, 2019 — Diego and I fly out to Las Vegas, Nevada to celebrate my 21st birthday. We got back together for time #4
• End of February — Break up #5
• March 2018 — Get back together #5 and break up #6
• Mid April – Mid May — get back together #6
• Mid July — break up #7
• September 21st, 2019 — What would have been Diego and I’s wedding day. I was 21 and a half and he had just turned 26.
• End of October 2019 — get back together #7
• Mid January 2020 — break up #8
• March 1st, 2020 — I ask Diego to take me to the hospital due to some of my medical issues
• Mid March 2020 — Diego and I block each other as we both enter into our respective relationships with other people
• April 9th, 2020 — I break up with my boyfriend

Sunday, April 12th, 2020

That about catches us up to the present week. On late Sunday night, I get a text from Diego, of all people. He told me that he loved and missed me. I was over at a friend’s house when I received his text so I left his house and started driving to Diego’s place. I called him and he asked me why I was coming over and I told him that I felt the same way as he did. Once I was almost to his house, he told me I couldn’t come over because he had a girlfriend. I said I was almost there and then he said we could sit and talk.

Once I arrive, he sits me down at the kitchen table. I get up and walk into his room and lay in my spot in his bed. He is hesitant when he asks what I was doing. I state that I came here to listen to him talk and said he should start talking. He lays down in his respective spot and begins to talk. As he does so, I start to cuddle with him, which he doesn’t object to. As I climb on top of him to kiss him as he talks, he turns his head so my lips can’t touch his. He says he can’t because he’s in a relationship. I kiss his cheek. I go back to my spot and listen. As he continues, I start to cuddle him again while stroking his erection, which he doesn’t object to. I try to kiss him again and he says no that he is in a relationship. I jump up and snap at him. I yell at him for inviting me over to “talk” and say that he loves and misses me and then doesn’t want to have sex with me. He obviously wanted to have sex, but wouldn’t. Yet he had no problem telling me his undying feelings for me when he should be saying that to his new girlfriend. I told him that he needs to tell her what happened that night or I would. I then left saying for him to call me when they were broken up.

Over text message later that night, we establish that we both were trying to replace what we had with other people in our respective relationships. We were both hurt by each other’s actions. We established that what we had done / were doing in our relationships with other people was not fair to our partners and that he was going to break up with his girlfriend and tell her what happened between Diego and myself.

Monday, April 13th, 2020

Monday evening I receive a text saying, “Done.” He had broke up with the girl, but he didn’t disclose to her what happened between him and I the night before. Diego calls me and invites me over to the house he just purchased. He had been living with his parents since we ended our lease in August of 2018. He bought this new home in early March 2020, but was renovating before he officially moved in. I had yet to see his house, so he invites me over for drinks and said we could spend the night on the air mattress he had set up in his master bedroom.

We of course had fantastic sex and right afterwards, I get a text from an ex-fling of mine. He texted me asking if I was busy because he needed help. It was someone who I had known and kept in touch with since Diego and I broke up the first time around, so I considered him to be an actual friend as well as someone I had slept with in the past. Diego was looking over my shoulder as I read the text and sighs, “Oh if you want to talk to them instead of being with me, you shouldn’t have come over.” We fought for a while. I argued that I didn’t initiate anything at all; that it was just a random text. He didn’t care. He knew I couldn’t drive myself home so he rolls over and goes to sleep for the night.

Tuesday, April 14th, 2020

In the morning between all the arguing, we have more incredible sex. Through our arguing, we establish that he gets jealous when my “exes” text me and that he still doesn’t trust me after I cheated on him over two years ago. I told him he had no right to possess, manipulate, or control me and who I talk to because we were just hooking up. He agreed. He states that if we are just hooking up, he has no right to comment on who texts me or who I sleep with and vice versa. I agreed and we left it at that for the night.

Wednesday, April 15th, 2020

Around midnight, brings us to today’s date. My friend asks me how I am, a mutual friend of Diego and I. She has been texting us both for the past few months in hopes that Diego and I would reconcile. We met her through the store, she worked in our department. I tell her everything that happened since Sunday between him and I and she was in disbelief. She wanted Diego to be with me because she knows how much he loves and cares for me, but she also encouraged him and his now ex to get together. My friend thought that Diego’s ex really liked Diego and she deserved a fair chance at being happy with him. It took Diego fooling around with me, telling me how much he misses me to realize that he only had platonic feelings for this girl. My friend, her name is Erin, states that she knew nothing about Diego and I talking and fooling around while he was in a relationship.

You see, Diego is very concerned about the way people perceive him, he has always been that way. He tells certain information about himself so he ultimately doesn’t get hurt, makes friends with that individual, and maintains his so-seemingly perfect reputation. If people knew that Diego was now a cheater, it would erase the perception everyone has of him, which is why he avoided telling his now ex-girlfriend that he cheated and he didn’t tell Erin or anyone else for that matter.

With all that being said and established through the conversation, Erin and I were thinking that he still had a lot of growing up to do. At this point, I was very angry with him due to our arguments and I thought all he wanted was a booty call and wanted to control me and whom I see; it felt like the start of every break up we ever had. Erin asks me a few questions. She first asks, “Do you see a future with him?” Without hesitation, I say yes. I see a house, marriage, kids, dogs, growing old together; the whole nine yards. In the past, she has asked me if Diego were to say to me right now, “Hey, let’s run away and elope”, would I do it? Without hesitation, I would always say yes.

Confession Time…

For whatever reason, I feel in my heart with every fiber of my being that if Diego and I just ran away and got married, the rest would work itself out. Obviously, the issues we had going into a marriage wouldn’t just fade away. But with time and the promise from our vows that we would never leave each other for better or for worse, we could conquer our issues through the help of God and those closest to us. I don’t want Diego as just a friend or a boyfriend, I need Diego as my husband.

Anytime I would bring up elopement to Diego, he questioned how we could just bring our problems into a marriage. He would say that we need to fix all of our issues before we even thought of marriage. What he fails to realize is that there are always going to be issues and if you wait to resolve all of them before you get married, you’ll be dead before the pastor can even pronounce you man and wife. I think most of it is that he is so afraid. In any large endeavor, he was always one to contemplate things for months upon months before acting whereas I act on impulse and do things rashly. Between the two of us, we act normally.

Once he jumps into an idea or plan, he leans into the fall and lands wherever the wind takes him. For me, I jump without opening my parachute and then once I realize the risks halfway through something, I am frantically searching for the emergency parachute. It took him forever and a day to decide to marry me while I am 50 yards ahead of him. When he finally caught up to me in the idea of wanting to get married, I psyched myself out so bad that I was ready to jump ship. Hence the break up.

Erin and I further discuss the idea of Diego and I eloping. We decided since Diego and I both believe and rely on God and don’t believe in divorce, if we put God first in our marriage, we can slowly but surely resolve our issues without the fear that I would leave or cheat. I decided that I could not be his booty call anymore because that act would lead us down the path of repetitive break ups and getting back together. After Erin and I ended our video chat, I started typing away to Diego about the conversation that Erin and I had.

Dear Diego,

I told Diego that I needed not a friend, but a husband. I mention his love language which are actions; he prioritizes actions of others as most important than any other love language quality, while I am all about words. I told him the biggest act of love was to join me in the ceremony of marriage, as we would come together to join God’s holy covenant of matrimony. The action of placing the wedding bands on each others’ ring fingers and sharing our first kiss as a married couple would reaffirm his love for me and his eternal commitment to me. I said that since words are most important to me, I would say the following words in my vows to him as my husband.

I Vow…

“As your wife, I promise you, Diego, that I will never stray from you. Through sickness and in health, I will be your faithful, obedient, and diligent wife, serving your every need and desire. I promise you, Diego, that I will never hurt you again. I promise that when things get difficult, I will never leave you. I will be there to listen to you as you cry and I will hold you. I will be your safe haven. I will work with you on our issues and do my best to rely on you and on God during our adversity. I promise you that nothing will ever interfere with the undying love that I have for you. I promise that every moment of my life as long as I shall live will be spent loving you, caring for you, being dedicated to our relationship and to our marriage. Know that I am not perfect and will inevitably fail more than once. As your wife, I may fail you in these promises, but I will always do what I can to keep these promises to the best of my ability and that I will always do and be better than I was the day before. As your wife, Diego, no matter how many times you may fail me, I will love you and remain at your side and only at death do we part until we meet again in Heaven.”

I reassured him that this is God’s plan for us, that we can work through our issues, and that everything else will fall into place. I end my message with a choice: I tell him that we will plan to elope or we end things for good. I tell him to really think about it and what he truly wants, but regardless of what happens I will always be the love of his life. I say that him being the love of my life is the second biggest promise that I have made to him and kept. The first would be our wedding vows.

And now we wait for an answer.

Til next time,

Dani