42 Degrees

Today it rained for the first time in what seems like ages. It surprised me as I woke up to the sound of water hitting the tin roof. As I went out the front door to my car, it was pouring rain, so I ran the short distance from the porch to the safety of my dry front seat. But that’s not what ya’ll wanna hear, now is it? You don’t care that I drove to McDonald’s to get breakfast and grabbed a few Redbulls. Would it be different if I said I was getting breakfast for Diego?

Last ya’ll heard from me was when I wrote “The Vow” where I confessed my love for Diego and wrote what I planned on saying on our wedding day, if he were to choose to elope with me. Although I knew he would say “No” to the idea of us eloping, he actually didn’t. After I sent him that extremely long message via text, he responded to me with, “Dani, you’re asking a lot.”

Essentially he thought that eloping right now would only accentuate what problems we did have, not eliminate them. He said that if I wanted to stop having sex with him altogether in order to help strengthen my relationship with God, we could do so. But he would not elope with me no matter what. We have too many things to work on and rebuild, he wants to know that this relationship isn’t just a phase and that I won’t walk away. The only positive thing I got out of our conversation is that he still does want to marry me… one day, just not today.

Since Thursday, the 16th, when we first talked about my proposal, we have been hanging out nonstop. While he has been at work, I have been getting rid of all my dating apps, Facebook friends whom I hooked up with, along with other people I no longer considered to be my friend. I got rid of all of my contacts and old texts that contained nudes and other inappropriate content. I blocked all the people whom I knew would keep messaging me. Last, but not least, I got rid of all my old photos of ex-boyfriends, ex-flings, and ALL of my own nude photos and videos.

You may be wondering why i purged my pictures of myself, but in all honesty, if this sexual abstinence thing is gonna work with Diego and I, I can’t be sending any of it to Diego because that would tempt him and if I see those photos, it will tempt me to have sex. For a long time, every time I would have sex with someone, I would feel extremely guilty because it was an act of sin against God. Normally, I would go have sex anyways and would forget about the guilt during the act, but then afterwards the thought of me actively having premarital sex really plagued my heart with guilt and disgust, erasing whatever fleeting sense of joy I had from that time with my partner.

Today is day 3 of us *trying* not to have sex. The first two days we failed miserably. It doesn’t help that when we are together, we usually have sex between 5-8 times a week and we are reducing that number to 0 without easing into the concept. It’s also hard because he’s all for having premarital sex because he knows that God will forgive us. Although true, that doesn’t take away from the guilt I feel in my heart. He says he is on board with reducing the amount of sex we have, but when kissing gets a little hot and heavy, he doesn’t have the strength to go against temptation, and I can’t say no to temptation alone, so I ended up giving in to sex the last two times. That sounds bad. I wanted to have sex both times, he didn’t force me at all, but he didn’t make matters easy either.

Along with trying to give up sex, I am actively not smoking marijuana and I am not drinking any alcohol. My sobriety dates are April 16th, 2020 and April 13th, 2020, respectively. It is all kind of a time suck and a money suck for me. I don’t get anything out of drinking, and if I smoke, I lose my whole day because I am couch locked and then I eat in excess. I will add to my sobriety list once I am sober for a length of time from these three things. I would eventually like to quit vaping and quit energy drinks, but if I get rid of those two right now, I legitimately might kill someone.

With all that being said, I am essentially trying to better myself whether it be in my relationship with Diego that we are rebuilding, with abstinence, with sobriety, the whole works. This week, I have learned that life is all about sacrifice and compromise. Although I am sacrificing my idea of eloping now, and it sucks and hurts my heart because I want to have things my way, the time Diego and I are putting in this relationship to start fresh is going to make our wedding day and our marriage better and stronger for it.

Til Next Time,

Dani

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s