Lightness and Dark

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Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.   

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In my experience, when it rains, it tends to pour. Meaning, the more tragedies that we face tend to be met with more tragedies on top of even more tragedies. Those closest to me, my best friend, Brent, and my brother-in-law are dealing with family members who are in the process of passing on or have recently passed away. Even though I don’t personally know those respective individuals, it still has a negative effect on me because I am witnessing those whom I love’s hurt and sorrow.

It seems in the face of this pandemic, there is so much grief and sadness around the world, whether they are personally sick with COVID-19, know someone who is, lost their job, are essential workers, etc. It really makes you question your own mortality. Although the two people who are passing on were not personally affected by the virus, it makes you think how fragile life truly is. It makes me ponder what happens after death, especially for those who don’t believe in Christian ideologies of Heaven and Hell.

I personally have no fear of dying because Jesus died on the cross to save me and was resurrected from the dead, displaying His undying love for the sinners of the world. I know that because I have accepted Jesus in my heart as my Lord and Savior, I will be accepted into Heaven once my physical body passes on and my soul will live forever in Paradise. But what about those whom don’t believe that Christ is Lord? I know from the bible that they will go to Hell, but that thought unsettles me. Some of my closest friends are non-believers and the thought of them not being with me is very discouraging, especially in these times that life is so finite.

I know that Easter is supposed to be a joyous day willed with loved ones and festive activities, but I feel a lot of depression. I think most people are just because of the state mandated stay-at-home order. I had a pretty decent day spent with my parents whom I am quarantined with, helping my mom make Easter supper, and video chatting my grandparents via Facebook messenger. They are both in a nursing home due to my grandmother’s Alzheimer’s and the nursing home is on lock down so they are stuck without family with no ETA of being able to see anyone for the next foreseeable future.

That alone makes me upset because I had I had intended to visit them the week the nursing home went on lock down. My grandma suffered from a heart attack in July 2015 and had to have quadruple bypass surgery, an event no one thought she would live through. Fifteen years prior, she had a brain tumor; another event no one thought she would live through. She started showing signs of Alzheimer’s shortly after she recovered from bypass surgery. Four years later brings us to today. She has very low functioning ability as she cannot get herself dressed or use the bathroom on her own. She mutters to herself frequently and doesn’t know who I am.

My grandpa said today was one of her better days. She talked to us a little bit over video chat. She said that they were having a great time, but didn’t receive many visitors. (She had no idea there was a virus going on which caused her lack of visitors and hadn’t realized she had moved.) She said she felt fine and when we all said, “Love you, Grandma!”, all she replied with was “Thank you.”

With my sadness, I am allowing myself to feel my feelings and go with the flow of it. I would say hug those whom you love extra close tonight for you never know what tomorrow brings, but that is simply not possible in these times. Instead, tell, text, or video call those whom you love, tell them you love them, and be with them in whatever way makes sense for you.

Til Next Time,

Dani

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