It seems to me that every time something good is about to happen in my life that I somehow block it from happening and end up hurt or disappointed. It seems that way with school and God only knows what else. It’s like in baseball when the batter hits a pop fly out to left field and the center fielder obviously blocks the view of the ball and then neither the left or center fielder catch the ball for a single to first and you have a runner on third who made it home so you lose the game. THAT’s how I feel nearly every day; can’t catch a fucking break.

I am all over the place mentally today. I don’t think it’s from the copious amount of liquor I consumed into this morning either. But surely enough, lithium and booze don’t mix all that well so I am sure that was the cherry on top for an agitated day. I think I am also on edge because I have, not orientation for work tomorrow, but I go in to my new job to get a tour of the place and get my schedule sorted out. I am hoping I don’t have to wear scrubs for this caregiving position because shit’s expensive and it’s not really how I want to spend the last of my funds from the other job.

So am I nervous? No, agitated is a better word and kinda pissed off how my last job ended so I have a bad taste in my mouth but I am trying to stay positive. I just want to cry in the arms of someone whom cares for me I feel like good things are happening but my impatience is getting to me. I just want to save up enough money to pay off a lot of my debt and then move out of my parents’ house and live on my own. As much as I love my family, it’s time I really buckle down and get the f out.

My cleaning took a pause yesterday because I went out with a friend of mine. We got a hotel room and just drank and had a good time. His birthday is in a couple of days so I paid for it which I am happy to do considering it’s his 30th birthday. I had the money saved and we had a good time so all in all worth it. It’s a little after 11pm now and I have to be out of the house by 8am tomorrow for my work thing. So cleaning tonight isn’t really in the cards. I am probably gonna reread a Dave Ramsey book and then hit the sack.

And to answer the original question at hand, I couldn’t tell you why I get in my own way. I feel like it has to do with the fact that I don’t want myself to be happy so I self sabotage all the good things in my life. It’s a quite dreary reality check for me but I guess that’s the way it goes with bipolar.

I want this new thing I have with this guy to work out but I don’t know if I can allow myself to have a good time and I know there are already a lot of inherent problems individually and as a couple. Maybe we make it work, maybe not we shall see only time can tell. But honestly I feel like he is the least of my problems which is good. But that doesn’t help me not stress about all the other stuff.

Maybe one day I will have the answer! Maybe not.

Gonna wrap it up here but as always give a like, comment and/or subscribe to the blog for more of my confused state content. I promise I am not depressing *all* the time. LOL.

much love,

Dani