That’s on me

I gotta preface this post with both an “I am okay, no one got hurt including me.” and an “I was completely sober when I did this very stupid thing.”

Now with both of those things both being said, yesterday I reversed into a tree when I was trying to leave my guy’s house. How did I do this sober, you may be thinking… well I was looking over my right shoulder to see if I could make this turn and then back out of his driveway which is full of trees. I forgot to check my left shoulder because I forgot and I do have a back up camera but it doesn’t yell at me if I back into anything so that seems a little ridiculous to me. So I backed my left tail light into this huge ass tree pretty hard. I immediately start sobbing. My guy sees this all go down and he runs to the car and opens the passenger side and he says Dani, move forward. I had to pull myself together just fast enough to move forward and see the damage.

It wasn’t terrible. I think my tailgate will operate just fine but I haven’t tested that quite yet even though this happened yesterday early evening. But the red glass of the tail light just crunched into nothing but the brake light itself works just fine so just some minor dents and scratches above and below the tail light.

All in all it could have been much, much worse but I’ll survive and certainly Maren (my Honda Pilot) is a little bruised, but still pretty. I just felt embarrassed because I was trying to get out of there in a hurry and I was mad about something I don’t even remember what I was mad about. But humiliated as I was, my dude came to the rescue and just held me as I cried and we picked up the tail light pieces and in a weird way, I felt like we needed that bonding moment is that weird? Probably. I mean this is someone I’ve known for five years as a major player but he has a definite sensitive side which I love seeing.

As mad as he makes me for pointing out my obvious flaws like my relationship with Diego is completely toxic. Yet the other part of me just justifies it because that’s how we always have been plus now he has my dog. Like Tyler was originally fine with Diego and I talking but then I let him in on the fact that someone he knows reads my blog and tells him about it and then he argues with what I write and… yeah it’s a whole thing.

For those of you who don’t know, I use the blog as my personal journal so everything comes on here as I sort out my life. If you don’t like it, don’t read it or don’t be in my life I have no idea what to tell you. I am as honest as I would be about my life whether it be public or private and at least when I blog I have those who keep me accountable for what I say and write and call me out when I need to be called out.

I feel defensive over the Diego thing and should I? Probably not… after two and a half years of not being together. But I still care about him and love him dearly and those who do read my blog on Diego’s behalf don’t seem to realize or relay to Diego. But what can I do? Sometimes he makes me mad and I feel like that’s valid. But it’s also why we aren’t together. We are great friends to each other and good at co parenting Poncho the houndy boy. Besides that, no. We can’t stand each other.

We were together the better part of a decade and we have seen and evolved as we both have slowly moved on. There’s no room for could haves, should haves, or would haves. It is done. We tried and beat that relationship like a dead horse. But with someone I am going to date, they must realize the dynamic history we have and gotta respect that we still talk. Half the time I bring up suicidal ideation to Tyler, he can’t or doesn’t have the tools to deal with it. That comes with time but if he expects me to be stripped of someone who knows how to calm me down and is equipped to handle my mania then I am put in a rut where I will regress. Sure, I need a therapist but until I get settled with work, that isn’t an option.

That’s how I feel at the moment and the next thing I know that feeling can change or evolve but I just don’t think Tyler realizes I can count on one hand the amount of friends and resources I really do have and Diego is on the list. Even my family says he will always be apart of the family. He is involved in all of our lives whether I want him to be or not.

Well talk about beating a dead horse! LOL. In good news, I got a start date of Tuesday, June 6th to start work and on Wednesday, May 31st at 10am to finish paperwork and bring my social security card and ID and all that good stuff. So I guess I passed the background check which I had no doubts about but still. I am always worried for some odd reason. So I gotta another week of vacation essentially so I really need to start cleaning and getting some stuff together.

Well that’s it for me so much love to you all.



One Comment Add yours

  1. lu says:

    Glad to hear you’re okay!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s