I thought me figuring my shit out would be easier now that I am not working at the moment. However, I’ve spent most of these two weeks catching up on rest. Mainly because the first week I didn’t know what do with myself and I was feeling sorry for me losing my job after all the other bullshit happened. But this second week, I have been recovering from surgery and I think my mom told me I got 9 different biopsies from my endoscopy of my throat, esophagus, and stomach. I think when your body goes through anesthesia, there is inherent risks, and not so much in a first world nation, but shit does happen and the older we get, it gets harder to handle what we bounced back for so quickly in the past. It sounds silly for me to say that but I’m 25 and I feel and have problems of a woman who is 65 which is sad. It’s taken me until today to feel fully like myself again and I haven’t thrown up this week which is good but I can’t eat too much because my throat hurts from having a tube shoved down in it.

Other than that, I got all my laundry done, doing a lot of self care, and slowly but surely I have been cleaning sections of my room. I wanted to clean out all my possessions in my house before going back to work because I have a four by four foot section of boxes downstairs in my parents’ living room of my stuff that I either need, can’t store in my room, and things I want, or just shit I don’t remember owning and can sell or get rid of. On Monday I get to figure out my schedule for my new job and get the tour of the new facility. So now it’s really crunch time for me to get my room at the very least back in sorts.

I have four loaded laundry baskets clean and ready to be hung up in my closet. I have a gazillion pieces of mail and print outs to go through underneath my desk accumulating dust. My desks need to be reorganized and cleaned off of empty water bottles and other trash. I need to put all my stationary and organize it in my office drawer set I got from Goodwill for $4.99 which originally came from IKEA for 20x the price I paid for it at the thrift store. I cleaned that up pretty good and put organizers in the drawers so that’s ready to go. Just gotta figure out where all my knick knacks go and where I can put all my stuff that I piled on my bed from my old bookshelf which is now ready to be posted on Facebook Marketplace for sale. I have more stuff than places to store it so I gotta organize what I have in order to figure out where all this shit can go.

It’s maybe two hours of work I have in front of me but I can’t motivate myself to get out of this funk and even with copious amounts of sleep and taking my daily modafinil to help keep me awake it just stresses me out. I have done a lot. Got the book shelf emptied and sorted with what I would keep and what I’ll sell. Got the shelves cleaned out and put in the bookshelf’s place. Set up my new desktop computer and now my desk is like 85% clean and decorated. Got the books I am keeping underneath the tv, on the entertainment center along with my Nintendo Switch, printer, books, meds, and painting knick knacks that need to go in my art nook. Closet is bare bones because clothes need to go in and I need to go through what I need to get rid of.

I thought the more I would write about it it would mean it would motivate me to get off my butt and do the work and now I have anxiety. LOL of course… maybe I should smoke some cannabis and then clean? Or maybe then I would be too stoned to do anything productive. It’s a legitimate toss up. Oops. I did it,… again. Not bad the anxiety is gone. I feel good, but not too good. Like a productive high lol if there is such a thing.

if you couldn’t already tell, I am bored to tears not working. I feel like I have no purpose in my life when I am not helping others. I made a one paragraph post into a half-ass novel practically. Ok on that note, I will sign off and wish me luck on this bigger than life cleaning adventure.

much love,

Dani