Confessions of a Twice Engaged, Never Married 25 Year Old Gal

I think it shocks most people when they see me because they assume I am in my late teens maybe 20 years old AT THE OLDEST. It shocks everyone when I say I was born in the ’90s which happens to make me 25 years old… going on 26. I feel like I have had enough experiences to last a lifetime though and that’s how the life of a want to be writer should be; experienced.

Yet when I date I must include the simple fact that I have never been married no kids because it’s almost like I have a scarlet A attached to my clothing when I say that because it is so rare at least in my area that I have never been married and have never popped out a kid or even gotten pregnant once or twice.

How did I become so lucky?

Well I think it was more common sense for me that the two times I was engaged, I wasn’t ready to be.

Well I should back it up a little bit.

What happened in my first relationship? Well me, at the time, me… where is my grammar? I! I was 16 and my boss at the grocery store was 21. We were both seeing other people and eventually I almost cheated on my then abusive boyfriend with this guy who we all know is Diego if you’ve read my blog for any amount of time. I was able to get out of that abusive relationship, graduate from high school and then Diego and I became inseparable.

We rented a house that year after I graduated and I worked with him at the grocery store and I worked part time as a teller at a local bank. That year, 2017, was romantic bliss and arguably the best year of my life so far. Everything fell into place like you wouldn’t believe. There was hardships along with that but that’s for a different post. I applied to the local shipyard because Diego asked me to and believe it or not, I was hired in the day before my 20th birthday as a marine machinist mechanic.

Prior to this I felt some type of way toward the banker boy who we’ll call Justin because that is his name. I thought he was super hot and dreamy and my heart still melts to this day thinking of his good looks. I mean, he’s a straight up dick but I didn’t care not about me, not about Diego, and not even about Justin. I just needed Justin to fuck my brains out. And he did.

The ramifications were large when Diego found out on my birthday that I had cheated the month prior. Low key wanted him to find out to stir the pot; does that make me a bad person? Probably! But like I said I was 20 years old and Diego was only the second person I had ever had sex with. I was young and needed that and to this day, do I regret cheating. Fuuuuuuuck no.

But the following months between Diego and I were spent either trying to work out our differences or gaslighting each other and being as toxic as could be to hurt and degrade the other person. Our relationship was more bipolar and wishy washy than my unmedicated bipolar ever was.

In October 2018, Diego proposed and despite working out some differences but not all, I was hooked. I said yes and we planned a wedding for Fall Equinox 2019. In December I just had this gut feeling that I couldn’t go through with it. I ended things and from December 2018 to December 2021, so three years we went back and forth, back and forth, back in forth.

We currently do not speak. He is toxic toward me and it only brings out the worst in me and my bipolar is the lighter fluid and I am the match and he is the fire. Together, we’ll burn the whole place down. I don’t know why I tried for so long. Oh yeah, we got a puppy in our “ON” stages together back in January of 2021. Because that was a great idea; unstable relationship lets make this into a twenty year life long commitment to said dog and to each other. Ha!

He has the dog and I haven’t seen Diego since last week when we had our last toxic fight. As much as I love Poncho (the dog), I can’t bear to be around Diego and to think I’ve thrown away ten years of my life with this fucking punk. He’s done so much for me yet his behavior is outright verbally abusive and condescending and I don’t tolerate that shit anymore.

Throughout the break ups with Diego, I would date and sleep around and I got raped and I got molested and I got shot at with a gun. A lot of weird and scary shit my mind won’t let me comprehend due to the complexities of what is or should be PTSD.

As the song, “Moral of the Story” goes, some people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes…

Then in November 2022, I met Steven and I was thrilled to have someone not degrade me and treat me like utter trash. But he was so feminine. We had nothing in common other than the fact that we were nice to each other because we both had been in shitty relationships and deserved someone to treat us kind.

Everything in that relationship was on the fast forward button we fit about five years of relationships into five months. Shit if I was still engaged, I would be getting married in two weeks as of today… well, June 1st. After knowing each other only seven months. Which is mind boggling. I have a hard time making people upset and everything happened so fast I had no time to take any of it in. I don’t recall the last straw but I just couldn’t fucking take his clingy ass self anymore. We were going to counseling and I was ashamed at who I saw across from me. This wasn’t a partner. It was a man in the shell of a 31 year old body, disguised as a young boy who lost his innocence to drugs and rough family life early on. He had so many things he needed to conquer in his own before he could be in a relationship and he needed someone who wasn’t me. He needed a rock and I also need a rock but we couldn’t find that in each other; we were like two puzzle pieces not intended for each other. Almost worked, but no cigar.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me right back at square one with a little more knowledge and a little more jadedness. What is my advice to you lovers out there…. don’t get married for the wrong reasons. Marry someone because you love them fiercely and better than you love yourself and please don’t stay in toxic relationships in fear of being alone or if you fear you’ll never get laid again. Nothing is permanent and everything is intricate and timing is everything.

I recently started talking to a guy I sworn off years ago due to severe alcoholism and him just being a jackass and needing to grow up. But like we discussed as the sun set over the Puget Sound with lightning flashing across the sky was we are alone and we need each other to change for the better. Without that person, who are you *really* striving to get better and improve yourself for? It takes a real man to ask me out after I screamed at him in our last encounter three or four years ago when I said, “Go fuck some hot chick right after me that won’t leave satisfied either.” I guess that lived rent free in his mind for a long time… til this very day. He was selfish and well…. a jackass.

A mutual friend of his and I’s is currently in the hospital for acute liver failure; would drink a half gallon of bourbon or vodka in a day and the dude was only 145 pounds at 5’10”. His 30th birthday should be the 31st of this month if he can make it that long. I really saw a change in heart in this man after seeing our friend in so much distress at the hospital.

Now mind you, this hospital friend is also the man that tried to shoot me in his house for helping him after a seizure and after he had me over for well, drinks. But I have to be convinced that was the disease of the alcoholism not him himself. Maybe I’m naive. Maybe too empathetic.

After I found out about my friend, I texted him I loved him and wanted to know if he was okay. On my way to my job interview today he called me and hung up before I could pick up and for some reason, that was God showing me that was my closure if that’s what I needed to move on and do this interview.

Chris, another friend of mine told me recently “You never stop caring for the ones you love or once loved.” And for me, it’s every person I encounter I feel this deep connection and care for them and I feel like my heart is expanding and shattering all at the same time when I feel as though I lost someone. I think that’s why I can’t handle closure very well.

I need to work on that… maybe this jackass I am dating can help me with that… 😉

For you married folks, good luck and God speed. For you dating folks, I sympathize with you. Single folks, I do not envy you. The war raging right now is brutal. Timing is a saving grace. But then again it’s all in God’s timing. Maybe I will learn one of these days.

Much love,

Dani

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