I am unsure of how many updates I have given in regard to my mental health on this blog. So I figured 3 might be a good number since I can almost guarantee you without looking that I have done at least a 2.0 for this subject on here… but I digress.
If you read my last habit tracking post, you will have or might’ve already forgotten that in the first two weeks of the month, I have had three manic days, five level headed days, and six depressed days. So what does this mean exactly? Well I took a general average of how I felt for the majority of the day each day and they all landed in those three categories. Of course, there is the fourth category of other which I mainly saved for days heavy in paranoia and delusions or whatever didn’t fit in the original three categories.
My trends more or less align with what I was going on in my life. Day 1 and 2 were level headed because I was preparing to leave my then current job and take a new position. 3 and 4 were depressed because I found out I couldn’t take that new job and couldn’t return to the current one. 5 and 6 were manic because it was my last day and the next day I went to a baseball game with my best friend where I proceeded to get cross faded. Three days of depression for days 7-9 because the lack of a job finally hit in. Two days of normalcy when I did all of beneficial habit tracker items. Manic day because I thought I was going to the lake the next day with Diego and that, well basically blew up in my face and we got into a fight (go figure) and I slept all day on the 13th out of depression. Yesterday was normal and now it’s 2am on the 15th and I guess today will be manic because I can’t sleep and I am restless. I need to do something but can’t go anywhere. I am sober but I don’t trust myself walking to the store or anything well, because it’s 2am.
overall I feel pretty good. Just in general I feel optimistic and in good spirits. I have my endoscopy on the 16th which yes I am nervous for but I am mostly anxious for results. I want to not throw up everyday and feel better. I am kinda scared because all of the causes seem pretty serious and I am unsure if they need surgery or something to correct itself. My eyesight has been blurry lately, but at least no double vision like I had been having. I have lost maybe 13 pounds since this stomach issue has started which is good in a way because I need to lose weight but not great because I can’t eat much at all. I have been needing to take hydroxyzine to go to bed at night which is my PRN drug (as needed for anxiety and sleep) because it’s either the demons of depression or the manic munchkins at the helm. Either way, sleep isn’t a priority but I have been on a graveyard shifter’s sleep schedule; up most of the night and sleep for a lot of the day. Part of me says it’s depression but the other part of me says I just don’t know what to do with myself when I am not working which is awful. I have lots to do but late at night I just cocoon and keep to myself because there’s nothing I can will myself to do.
I did start deep cleaning my room. I set up my iMac that I bought months ago so writing with the new Apple product has been a dream! Huge screen so I am not straining my eyes, new keyboard to punch the damn keys with and break in. New mouse, well I used my Jelly Comb mouse with a big roller ball because Apple mouse is shit and it can go die. So I will sell the apple mouse but the rest of the setup is perfect. I just need to get a good speaker for my desk setup and then she’ll be perfect. I cleaned off my art desk as well but I haven’t re-set it up. I am gonna sell my smaller bookshelf because my entertainment center is also a bookshelf that can fit all my books and my printer and then I can replace the small bookshelf with the set of drawers that were originally from IKEA that I got from Goodwill for $4.99! The drawers cost at least $129 retail!
So my desk is perfection and the rest of the room has all the other desk contents on and in my queen sized bed. It’s quite the construction zone in here but I think I will work on it soon.
Just rolling with the punches. I think this is where I will end things for now…