It’s the middle of my graveyard shift… only three more hours left. I have been kinda lonely this week since I have been dog sitting Poncho while Diego (My good friend now, but old ex-fiance) is visiting family in Mexico. He left last Wednesday and will be home late this Wednesday night.

I have been sick the past couple of days so I spent my day off just laying in bed with the houndy boy. But back to work tonight. On Friday, my client had a seizure and was clenching tight to her dinner tray with food and soda pop on it and I was right behind her so I noticed she was seizing so I tried to grab the tray when she nearly collapses and I catch her and yell for someone to bring me a chair and my other client. We were at the dance for special needs folks and luckily I was able to get her out of the seizure and 911 didn’t need to be called. We got her new food and she asked for a water even though she originally got a root beer. Twenty minutes later she didn’t know she had a seizure except for the fact that her drink was different then what she remembered having. I still fucked up because I gave her “too much” of her PRN because I was following her seizure protocol yet she had another pill prior to the seizure for anxiety. Two 0.5mg pills within 2.5 hours when it’s 1 every 6 hours as prescribed. So I’ll get written up for that but when I explained the situation to the night shift staff that night and they agreed with what I did. So that made me feel better.

I can’t tell if my eyesight is getting better now that they reduced my lithium from 1200mg to 900mg. It doesn’t seem quite right it’s blurry sometimes and I feel like my astigmatism is worse along with the double vision and seeing floaters. But my mental health has been mainly stable; I wish I was still on the 1200mg because I think I would feel better but if it’s hard to see out of my one good eye than it’s not worth it to me. My mental health isn’t too poor but could be a smidge better. I should get my blood work back today to see if I have the rare eye muscle disease that travels throughout your body. But knowing my luck, it won’t be the lithium nor the disease that’s the problem with my eyes. But gotta have faith in the unseen (no pun intended lol just making a Jesus reference).

I had to pay out of pocket for school this quarter until I can get my financial aid figured out so I am happy I had the funds to do so and I am doing well in school; we are going on week 3 of I’m not sure how many but until mid June. I have been keeping good track and good notes on everything on my iPad so I’m making use of my technology and more importantly, making good use of my work time.

Tonight is a bit of an exception. I have been dragging this shift in energy, maybe because I was throwing up 12 hours ago and sleeping all day and all night due to exhaustion. My parents brought me snacks and meds from the pharmacy before work so that was good and it was very kind of them to make the near hour drive one way to do so. I did my math assignment due before midnight Sunday. Completed that. I have assignments due at midnight today but I can’t bring myself to read the textbook because I know I will fall asleep reading. So for those who don’t know, I work in a house. My clients sleep in their respective bedrooms and I usually sit at the kitchen table all night. Sometimes on graves I bring my electric blanket and use that and lay on the couch and read or play games or internet surf on the couch. However, I didn’t bring my heater blanket to house sit with me. So I am freezing with three layers on and slippers. And I know if I go lay on the couch, as sore as I am sitting at this damn table, I know I will doze off and also for those who don’t know me well, I snore like a train. So I would get in trouble and my clients can get me fired and potentially go to jail for elder neglect. Even as sex offenders, they still have rights! Crazy, huh?

So now I am kinda doing whatever I want, when I want because I am just trying not to fall asleep. I am so sleepy and got a while to go even still. Maybe I will go back outside to smoke to wake me up.

be right back.

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That helped somewhat. I just took my morning meds which contain something for my chronic heart burn (more like the feeling like something is stuck in my esophagus and I can’t get it out). And something to wake me up (modafinil). I have so many things on my to do list that it’s hard to set my mind straight. I have my planner and lists for days but trying to organize and time sort everything is hard for me because if I create a whole list of what to do at what time and I’m too lazy to do the first thing than my whole list is out of sorts and I don’t like it. Makes me feel like there’s no point. But I gotta clean Diego’s whole house to get some extra cash and I keep thinking about how my own bedroom is a disaster zone… but nothing I can do about that until Thursday when I am back home. I think the word I am looking for is prioritizing stuff. I don’t know what’s important versus what’s not because to me, it’s all important all for different reasons. Like I should be reading my textbook but if I can’t stay awake, I am shifting my priorities to my blog which is more exciting than intro to science chemistry readings but I feel guilty because I could be doing my homework or at least other homework due today such as math but I don’t wanna do that either. The struggle is real!

It is now 4:46am. I have nearly killed an hour on this one blog post. Killed it. LOL. Not gonna lie. I almost miss full time graveyard shifts because it’s easy to get so much stuff done when everyone is asleep but it is lonely. But then again so is swing shift because everyone I talk to essentially has a nine to five M-F job and anything that deviates from that schedule almost seems wrong or like they can’t make time for you.

I think that has more to do with the dating world than anything. I think it was easier to date when I worked graves because I worked my sleep schedule or lack thereof around theirs. So if I worked graves and they worked days, I would make sure to be awake during swing shift hours and sleep while they worked. But right now I am not really dating anyone and I am okay with that. I just want to focus on me right now and finish my associate’s degree and hopefully get into my bachelor’s program. I kinda jumped the gun and got a Portland State sweatshirt even though I am not accepted into the program quite yet. I mean, I am accepted into the school but I am unsure about the specific program I applied to. There is a Bachelor of Social Work information session via Zoom this Thursday at 9am that I will attend before work. So hopefully they can answer my questions.

I interviewed a lot in March for a new job but as much as I complain about the job I have, it’s arguably the best job I’ve ever had. Most money I have ever made per hour, most flexibility, worst pay schedule by far, but by far the easiest mentally except when my clients have seizures then I feel very helpless.

I think I’ll sign off for now or else I’ll keep writing for no apparent reason.

much love,

Dani