Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self control than to conquer a city. We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they may fall.
Proverbs 16:32-33
I was talking to Diego about pride and conceit earlier which got me reading biblically what the Lord stands for and the last two verses of Proverbs 16 hit me deep. Maybe because a dice analogy was used that it made me understand better since I love dice games but it just fucking clicked for me. If we don’t have self control we have nothing. I feel like this post might be contradictory to past posts on this blog but I blog with what I know in my heart and in my mind at the time of writing. It means that we move on; evolve. So has this blog for a plethora of reasons.
But the Proverbs basically explains that pridefulness is a sin and that it will be the determent of our fall as a society. We can try to play God all we want and try to make our lives fulfilled with stuff and people and relationships when our hearts’ desires are much simpler than that; we just need Him.
Patience is a virtue I have been trying to focus on this year and I write it in my planner every week; I have a whole list of words I am focusing on this year. Those words are:
Patience
Empathy
Passion
Reason
Relationships
Content
Surrender.
I feel like these words encompass who I am as a human being and what I want to eventually become. Like I already have lots of empathy toward myself and others and I want to keep that up along with passion for creating things. I need to build relationships. I am working on being content with where I am at and that kind of goes along with patience. I have been getting better at not jumping to conclusions as for the reasoning goes. And surrender is just I need to let God provide a way and a will for me because He is King and me ruining my life on my own clearly isn’t a plan I want to be sticking to.
Anyways Diego asked me if I was prideful of anything in my life like talents and such. I honestly say no not really. I mean I got a lot of nice stuff but in the end, that shit don’t go down the grave with you or if I were to go to Heaven I don’t think I can take my MacBook Pro with me lol. But I mean I would like to think the best is yet to come because I haven’t bought a house yet and I haven’t graduated yet and I’m not living out God’s purpose for me quite yet. I mean, I think I am doing okay in the meantime but I don’t really take pride in anything I do because it’s not who I am. Sure, I can make affirmations like yay I didn’t think about killing myself today or yay, I cleaned my room and changed my sheets for the first time this year. But that’s the shit you’re supposed to do regularly and being neurodivergent means that it’s the small things one should take pride in but I don’t. Mostly because I am ashamed. It takes everything in me to be a good person and do the things I should do. I just want to be a shit bag and go MIA so bad but I can’t because of responsibilities.
Fuck, now that I think about it when I finally write a novel I will be proud of myself. I have always wanted to be a writer and I guess I am now considering I publish my work publicly to my own website that I pay for that has 362 genuine followers which I didn’t pay for. But to feel a copy of my own work on a hard cover sounds fucking orgasmic at the mount. I don’t even care if a single person reads it; it’s just a matter of that has always been a dream of mine and it’s gonna happen. One day…..
Well that’s about it for my ramble sessions. I feel like blog rants are the mumble rap of music. Don’t at me. You know I am right because just like rants, you either love mumble rap or can’t stand it.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
Much love,
Dani
Precarious Aquarius 
I have a question for you, Dani. If you were verbalizing what you just said in this post, directly to the Lord, face to face, would you change anything? I’ve been reading your posts for quite a while now and I readily admit that I haven’t walked in your shoes, nor have I carried what you carry. But I do have my own. There is one relationship that supersedes all others and actually, as difficult as this may seem to bring about, literally everything flows from our relationship with God. Jesus told us to learn of Him and by doing so, we would find peace for our souls. Sinning against God isn’t just a list of things you do or don’t do, it’s a mindset and heart set for literally everything. Would you slap your Mother’s face because you might feel justified in doing so at a given point in time? I would hope not, out of respect and consideration for her. What you’ve learned about yourself and her, would normally stop you from doing something like that. It’s the same thing with coming to know Jesus, and if you don’t feel the same way about Jesus, that relationship isn’t really there. From what I can see, and I admit I am not God, you have God close to the circle that is you, but He’s on the outside, not the inside. Jesus loves you more than you can imagine but you need to invite Him in, where you live, day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute. When you do that, earnestly, things really begin to change, because He is much greater than your circle, and you haven’t really seen Him yet. When you do, through the words that He left us and the things that He did, everything in your circle changes and you become part of His circle, which is better by far. Just something to think about, Dani. My apology for the intrusion. God bless you and yours.
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Thank you, Bruce. I kind of had a similar epiphany after writing this post. I think for me personally, it’s easy to separate Jesus and myself into two different facets of my life when they need to be one. It’s hard because I have so many resentments towards the church I grew up in which makes me hate religion but that doesn’t mean I can’t have my own personal relationship with God. I can pray, I can worship freely and read scripture yet I am actively choosing not to bring myself closer to Him. It’s all easier said than done. I want to change but I’m stubborn haha. Blessings to you and yours. I hope your wife is doing well. I think of you all often believe it or not. Much love, Dani
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Oh I hear you, Dani! Only problem being, nothing will ever change until you do. Jesus doesn’t play head games and when we really stop and think about it, Jesus being God and all, it couldn’t be otherwise. Reality is on His terms, not yours. You’re in my prayers. Blessings!
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