I feel like there is never as much time as there used to be. I remember the days when I was younger and we would have a bet between my mom, sister, and I that mom would pay us each $100 if we never said that we were bored all summer vacation long. I usually won this bet because as much as I loved school and was good at it, I had so many ideas and projects going through my head that it was nearly impossible to not find something productive to do with my time.

Now that summer vacations are the thing of the past and I am lucky enough to get a forced week off of work due to illness or mental illness, it’s still never enough to enjoy what I want to do in life. My planner is full every day with my essential to do lists and brain dumps. In the last eight days, I have worked just four hours shy of 70 hours. My boss texted me on Friday telling me that I am the permanent graveyard gal for Sunday nights until they can fill the shift.

Now mind you, I love overtime and I love my job. However going from a twelve hour graveyard shift with only eight hours in between before I head in to an eight hour swing shift; that’s… a lot. For anybody. I am the only one in my company who switches from days to swings to graves like I do at the drop of a hat. I finally stood up to my boss and said no. I said the only way I am taking the Sunday grave is if I have Monday off completely. She gave in and said she would get my Monday swing shift covered.

It’s not even like Monday is a real day off because I have to be awake and coherent for eight hours from midnight til 8am because I got almost an hour long drive back to my house after being up all night long. It’s a mystery to me how I have yet to be pulled over for tired morning driving after these shifts. It’s not hard because the girls sleep throughout the night but it’s hard to keep yourself awake when you’re used to sleeping through the night.

Tomorrow will be busy. I have to get a grocery pick up order around 8am, gotta get my medicine, go to a print shop to mail off some Amazon return items, and at 10:30am I have an urgent eye appointment because I have floaters in my good eye and everything is super fuzzy and at first it was just when I didn’t wear my glasses and now it is happening when the glasses are on. I have hallucinations and see bugs on me and possums and raccoons near me sometimes, but I don’t think my vision issues are strictly a hallucination I think something is wrong with my good eye and that’s super bad because I have one good eye and im legally blind in the other so if I have cataracts or glaucoma then I don’t know man. It would be devastating to me to lose my sight altogether and that’s not a life I want to live.

Next, I have to go to the bank deposit some cash, and go to my other bank to make a payment on a personal loan and on my Honda. Gotta drop by Steven’s house to give him his stuff back like his spare car key, a board game, and his jacket. Gotta go to Ulta to get my haircut around 3pm. Go to the office drop off a form for work.

After all this I am probably going to crash hard, but If I am still hanging in there I need to do self care stuff and some major cleaning. I did a lot of laundry on Saturday but I might have a load or two left. Gotta put stuff away, clean my room and the bathroom. Do my self care such as flossing my teeth really good, shave my legs, put lotion on all over after a shower, and do my skincare routine. I hope I can just power through tomorrow and do a lot of my homework tonight so I can focus on other things once I am off the clock.

Besides the isolating feeling I get when I work all alone and I’m by myself when the world sleeps, it’s kind of calming to just put in headphones, lay on the couch with my heater blanket and do some homework.

I also have a follow up with my mental health provider on Tuesday at 9am. I am better, significantly better since my manic episode but now I am wondering what’s next for me. Like medication wise. I am unsure if she will keep me on my same dosing or bring me back down on the lithium since I am stable now. So I guess time will only tell.

I realized I haven’t been very consistent in my writing this year at all and honestly this year has been a fucking trip. So I am aiming for my growth and stability this year, especially when it comes to my blog. I honestly thought about scrapping it so many times but I think some folks get a kick out of what I write and maybe benefit or feel less alone; I don’t know. I think I am little too conceited to stop writing about myself. I do consider this my journal so I think it has been a great outlet for me in these past 3.5 years.

Much love,

Dani