Okay so it’s been about a week since things turned to the worst and I was escalated manic bipolar. This was the worst episode I have ever seen in myself or in others to be quite honest. I was unable to really drive because my lack of focus and delusions were bad. I talked a mile a minute because my mind raced and raced with no end in sight nor a destination. I had my medication upped 300mg to a grand total of 1200mg per day of lithium that is. Lithium is a mood stabilizer and it worked within 3-4 days and yesterday was a little fuzzy and I was a little out of it but got back into my work routine groove and managed alright.

Today I feel pretty clear headed. I slept in late and got up with enough time to be 15 minutes early to work so I grabbed a red bull spritzer on my way in. I feel good more like me than I have felt all month before with the crippling depression to excruciating mania. I feel like me; normal.

Oh and to update you very curious people I broke up with Steven and ended our engagement on Sunday night. I felt as though we had nothing in common and I felt like I was dragging things out. He’s a fine person; just not my person. I did go out on Saturday night to karaoke with my friend Chris who is back in town and he told me not to go through with it. He said I didn’t seem happy and like myself like I was doing things to just be married. He may have been right but he also didn’t want to be the reason for our break up. I told him he wasn’t and I was hesitant to do it because Steven has a serious temper and his words cut like knives.

Chris, same Chris as a few years back if you’re a long term reader of my blog, told me he loved me and he said he was sorry for never telling me because he didn’t know if he could commit with his work schedule and all that but he said he never stopped loving or caring for me when he came to that realization. He didn’t know if now would be any different but we have been talking Sunday and Monday and he said he would text me today but hasn’t, so I am not holding my breath.

Do I want a relationship with Chris again, giving it a real try? I don’t know. I think it’s foolish to rush right in and I know we both have history together and we have so much fun, no matter what we do be it karaoke, chilling on the couch, getting food… we talked and hung out on Saturday for almost seven hours and we never ran out of things to say. We reminisced who came on to who and around this time five years ago, we originally met. I guess my “pick up” line was saying to him on an otherwise empty stairwell, “When are you finally gonna come fuck me, [insert his last name here].” It’s pretty cringe now but I guess it worked at getting his attention? Well not then, we didn’t get together until a year after that so sometime 2019. I went to San Diego on his dime and we had a good time for the most part. I don’t know I don’t think either of us were ready to be together and now it kinda makes sense he’s starting to want to settle down; not immediately but he would be a great partner and provider. He’s a journeyman mechanic, in the same shop I used to be in when I was a mechanic. He’s a little too work focused, but that’s how you get ahead in that industry so I can understand to an extent. We like the same things and we are both about improving ourselves. He’s all around a great person and if that’s who God wants me to be with, so be it.

Anyways. I feel good I have a follow up with my doctor on the 11th of April and I got to get some blood work next week to show how everything is going. I am curious if I am now considered to be bipolar 1 instead of 2 considering my mania episode was not a hypomanic episode that would go along with a bipolar 2 diagnosis. Full blown mania is usually bipolar 1. But like I said before, I feel good I feel like I am making the right decisions and yesterday I was able to submit a fully completed application including references for the online Bachelors of Social Work program at Portland State. I don’t remember if I mentioned this before but I made it into the honors college at my new school and that’s great and all but there is literally no point in going to that school if I don’t get into the BSW program. But it’s a step in the right direction! I don’t find out until late April or May if I get in or not. SO prayers and fingers crossed for me please.

I am stressed and now owe my newest ex a lot of money for him putting 3k toward my car and what not. Fortunately there is no rush for that I do owe him however 950; I borrowed 750 and the other 200 is for the premarital counseling. I gotta do my budget but I will see what I can do about that 950 to get him off my back. He just mentioned when I sell the car he’s entitled to 3k of profit and I don’t foresee me getting rid of this car anytime soon so we shall see how it goes. I don’t like the fact that we have two vehicles, a checking, and a joint savings all together makes things too complicated. But I don’t think I could refinance unless my dad took over and I know he feels bad about it now, but I am unsure if he would help me out there.

I feel good. The right decisions are being made for me and what I need and want so I am happy? I say that hesitantly before the next catastrophe comes about LOL.

much love and thanks for being there for me.

Dani