I feel like I need to start every blog post off this whole entire year with a “Why I have been MIA”. Last week ending the 17th of March I was morbidly depressed. I slept all Saturday day and night and most of the day Sunday until I got called in on my day off to work graveyard from ASAP to 7am. So I got out of bed by the gentle convincing of my fiancé and went to work.

So from 7pm on Sunday til about 8pm on Wednesday I was without sleep at all and experienced the worst mania imaginable. I went to the doctor Tuesday because I kept saying that I didn’t feel right and something was terribly wrong. They fit me in for an emergency appointment and upped my lithium (mood stabilizer 300mg) to an even 1200 mg a day. They wanted to put me on Seroquel but that just makes me gain weight and I don’t need help with that. She wrote me a work note excusing me until Friday and I ended up calling out Friday as well because although I am sleeping I am still not myself. I can barely drive a vehicle without someone in the car distracting me because my delusions and out of body experiences were so severe. I almost rear ended someone thinking I was in park after I let off the brake pedal and luckily there was no damage to either vehicle (we were in a parking lot). I was with Steven all day yesterday and we went to our first premarital counseling sessions and I think it went okay. We discussed assertively addressing our issues or praise to our partners, active listening, and getting a game plan in place to discuss a serious issue.

We actually wrote down the same “wish list items” that could be changed or do more of in our relationship. For example, Steven is a huge movie watcher and I couldn’t care less unless it was a documentary. We have finally found a show we can both agree on so I told Steven with assertiveness that I would like to watch our show 3x a week so that we can bond over something you like to do. He heard me and felt appreciated and one of his wish list items was finding something to do together that isn’t going to bars all the time. And I also wrote I would like to find something to do together such as axe throwing or bowling or something of the sort. Doesn’t have to be strenuous but just something enjoyable by all. And we both wrote down finances as something we could both be better at.

We ended up setting up a joint checking and savings account so we can distribute funds accordingly for savings and what not. I think once I get paid April 10 we will discuss further on set amounts to save for housing, wedding #1 and #2, and honeymoon.

We went to Gig Harbor for lunch but my delusions were real bad when we went inside of Costco so we left early without hitting up Ben and Jerry’s. I hate things having to be about me because I aim to be a fairly selfless lover and person but I am not okay and ultimately trying to avoid a hospital stint because a) I can’t afford it, and b) I have no sick pay and way to compensate me for time off. Of course, I had the last four days off because I had a doctor’s note and worked on not offing myself. But come Monday, no matter what I am facing I must return to work. I have been having interviews all week, already got rejected from one that I was a manic mess during… I was speaking too quickly and not monitoring how I appeared on the outside as much as I’d like. I applied to a discharge planner position 1.5 hours away and I really want that since it’s 8a-430p M-F. And it is at a mental health facility and that’s a dream job of mine. I have a local interview Monday for a job working with post institutionalized adults with mental health issues. I could make up to $25/hr but I am well qualified for the job so I think I can at least swing 23/hr.

I got accepted into honors college this week at Portland State and I still have to finish my bachelor of social work application and in about a week, my second to last quarter at community college is about to happen. Once I finish my application for the BSW program, I need two recommendations by Friday the 31st or I lose my chance altogether. Who knows? I am not holding my breathe…

Last night I was hurting myself which is out of norm for me. I was slapping my face as hard as I could and sobbing while Steven held my arms and said that self harm isn’t helping anything. After asking why he wouldn’t put me away he replied that he believed in me that we would make it through. He fell asleep with his arms around mine and I eventually drifted to sleep too.

I don’t know how I feel today. More of the same, less hurty ouchy more emotionally labile and changing moods in an instant. My doctor isn’t in until Tuesday and she has no on call available so I only have the ER as recourse which is terrible recourse.

So hopefully nothing changes too much but at least I am in safe hands ❤

Dani