Too Hard on Myself

I think I experience this more than most normal people due to my bipolar disorder. Or I guess most people with any type of mental health issue can face being too hard on ones self. I still talk to Diego, my ex because we are friends and we keep each other updated with life’s happenings and advice and so on. Steven is fine that I interact with Diego as long as it’s platonic of course, and it always is. We have pretty good boundaries set in place and I appreciate his friendship and that I can still have him and Poncho (his and I’s dog) in my life.

So earlier tonight I was talking to Diego saying I feel like a failure because… well I didn’t say I was a failure; more so I was frustrated with myself because I want to do all these things for myself and for Steven and our future but I can’t because I don’t have the funds to do so. For example, I pay about $3,500.00 a month in expenses, before personal money, gas, medication, savings, and extra debt payments. I make an average of $4,000.00 a month after taxes. I have literally nothing going to retirement, ROTH IRA, or any investments. All because $500 to last 31 days is nothing. Maybe for some it’s a lot. But if you think about it, my medicine for my bipolar is about $150.00 a month, gas I get help with because my dad fills my tank once a week but with how far away I am from work, I end up spending another $150 a month on gas. So that leaves $200 for groceries, personal items, and savings. It’s just not enough when I am trying to save for a new place to live where I will be paying much more in rent and utilities. And it’s not that I don’t make enough money because 4k take home is a ridiculous amount of money and that’s during a slow month with no overtime.

I spent so much money gambling and racking up credit card debt and transferring balances and I just fucked myself over big time. I haven’t gambled this year at all which is great but the ramifications for my past gambling habits is quite large. If I didn’t have to pay my mom rent of $500 a month, I could pay off three or four credit cards in three months of not paying rent which would free up more of income to then start paying her rent again OR saving to move out.

Not to mention moving out, but Steven and I are getting married June 1st and I bought a white pencil dress from H & M on Saturday and it looks very slimming and nice. That was $40 I had Steven pay for because my account is in the negative and I have 4 more days til payday. I need sandals for the event that I will wear at our wedding. ceremony next year as well. I want to get my hair cut and get lowlights so my hair has a golden honey look with my natural brown hair. Also need my nails done, get a corsage and boutonniere for us two and a small wedding cake. My parents are both coming to witness the elopement and will take us out to dinner afterwards. We are planning a weekend getaway to Leavenworth, WA. But the wedding won’t be until late afternoon so we would probably get a hotel or Air BNB locally and drive across state the next day.

Essentially what I am trying to say is this shit adds up and I am B-R-O-K-E.

But like Diego told me, focus on what you can change, not what you can’t change. I asked Steven if he wanted to post pone our elopement so that we can save up for it and he said no but he is willing to pay for a lot of the stuff. Not to mention $200 for marriage counseling before our elopement with a local pastor. We don’t have to move immediately, even when we do get married, neither of our respective parents would kick us out of our houses. The only downfall to that is that we couldn’t live together if we were both at home.

I have been tryin to apply for jobs that pay more, but most jobs that pay more than what I make require higher education which I have yet to complete. However, my company has a HR position open that I applied for tonight because I have worked with this company long enough and in this industry long enough to understand the needs to new hires and the organization that needs to take place to get stuff done accurately and efficiently. A degree is not required for the position but is important to the job and I am about to get my associates come August, and since I have a lot of office experience as a paralegal and I understand the depths of the company, I think I would be a good fit.

But I won’t get upset if I don’t get interviewed because I am assuming a lot of qualified people have applied for it. But that just means I need to continue on with overtime as much as humanly possible so that I can improve my financial and living situations. If I did get the job, the starting pay is $30/hr which is an eight dollar an hour pay raise which is HUGE. But we shall see; maybe I go into the office when they open and ask for an interview. Early bird gets the worm? I think that’s how that goes.

I cannot attend university in the fall because the program I was going to go into, their application closed the day after I got admitted into the school and you can only be admitted into the social work program once a year so now I got to wait until January 2024 to apply to the social work program, get in, and begin Fall 2024. So since I will get my associates in August, there is nothing left after that except for going into the social work program so it would be a waste of time and money because those credits wouldn’t amount toward a social work degree. I scraped my other application to University of Washington because the same issue arose. But hey, maybe this is for the best so I can focus on work, debt, and the wedding(s) (it sounds weird saying that but I mean the elopement and then the wedding June of 2024.)

Forward progress is progress and I can’t kill myself over the minor details not happening “fast enough” for my liking. I still have words of the year that are key, focus words that I like to review every week in my planner and I bet you can guess my main focus word. Go ahead, I’ll wait..






That is my first focus word because patience has always been an issue for me. After patience comes empathy, then passion, then reason, then content, then content, then surrender. Those were from memory so not in order but pretty good, huh?

I find out tomorrow about my MRI results and if I need a fourth ankle and foot surgery. I am scared because there are so many things on my plate right now and that surgery is very difficult and stressful but I am in constant pain so I am unsure of my other options.

We shall see… got a lot of moving parts, I just need to learn patience to address everything and with God’s guidance, everything will come together in his timing.

I think that’s enough for me tonight it is almost 4am and I got 3 hours left in my 12 hour shift.


much love,



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