What doesn’t kill ya…

With my most recent med adjustment, I’ve been feeling pretty optimistic and go getter-ish. Now at 9:07pm at work, my depression has hit me like a ton of bricks. Like what the hell am I doing working all these hours, you piece of shit person. Why don’t you just off yourself; you’re worth more dead than alive. Just… Ludacris things going through my head and I know they aren’t true but still.

I have my interview for the training coordinator position at the mental health place tomorrow on zoom at 9am. In less than twelve hours, I got to be bright and chipper and not act like I’ve worked over 100 hours in the last week and a half. I also applied for yet another school because Portland State only gave me 2k worth of grants and scholarships and I think if I apply to this instate school I can pay less upfront, and get more grants. Also, it is just the beginning of scholarship season so I could be gifted more grants as time progresses but I really don’t know what will happen so I want to be prepared.

I don’t really know where the depression is stemming from… maybe exhaustion? That and stress. Steven and I are getting married in 90 days and as of right now we aren’t even living together or have the funds to do so. I wonder if we should postpone are official marriage at least until September but I only told him about this idea this morning so I am unsure what he thinks about it yet. I want to get married don’t get me wrong, but I feel like making it harder than it needs to be sounds very much unnecessary.

On the other hand, I get my MRI on my left ankle done this Thursday so if and when I need surgery it could be as soon as a couple of more weeks away which would most definitely postpone our wedding plans because I’m not going to be walking down a courthouse aisle in a cast. So I guess there are a lot of different things up in the air right now and I really got to discuss these things with Steven in person so we can get it all figured out.

I feel a little better after writing through my feelings but I imagine this feeling will come and go.

much love,

the depression warrior aka Dani


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