I feel like lots have happened since I blogged last. I believe I wrote on Tuesday night, right before I left work. If I am correct, right after I posted my blog, my dad texted me to call him when I am off work and to come home immediately. This was unusual for my dad to do anymore so I asked if everything was okay and he said “just come home.”

I was off work about five minutes after that so I call dad in the car and he says. “Hey, Dani-D did ya make it?” “Yes, sir… so what happened?” He begins to sob and say that his mother, my grandma had passed away at 6pm on 2/21/23. He and my mom had waited til I finished my shift at work to tell me what had happened. I am unsure how to feel about it; grief is a weird thing and especially with my recent med changes, I don’t feel like my current reaction is natural or authentic. I don’t feel sad about her death because she was in pain and had dementia for over six years; she was suffering and now she is with Jesus. I don’t know why I would be sad or mad about that.

I guess one could argue that I don’t get to enjoy her physical presence but I haven’t felt that in a long time. I have one photo of her and I together when I was 17 and that was because I begged to have a photo with her. It wasn’t like my nana (my mom’s mother) who just frankly didn’t like me, no. She didn’t make time for me like she did my cousins. There were seven grandkids total and she favored the grandkids that lived closest to her, which were two boys. So when we would come to visit she would talk about the boys and I was never close with my cousins and as a kid I wanted my grandma to ask about me and what I liked to do and be interested in what I had to say and feel, but I never got that reaction from her.

I don’t have any childhood memories with her because my mom would take us to see her mom instead of my dad’s family. But once my nana passed away when I was 17 (circa 2015), I made a point to visit my grandparents more. I made a promise to myself that I would build a better relationship with my grandma because she just had a heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery, but after that I think in 2016, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and it’s been a long and painful battle every since with the disease. I never got the chance to have a relationship with my grandma which I’m not angry about but feel as though I should be sad now that she’s passed on.

The following day, on 02/22/23, I was accepted into Portland State University’s Social Work Program following my summer graduation of community college this year. PSU is in the top 5 for online bachelor of social work (BSW) programs in the nation. I just looked at my financial aid package for that school and I got some grant money but so far, my financial aid package would still make me pay just under $5k per quarter which is a lot of money. I would need $15,000 per year just for tuition alone and my grants were 2 grand worth which is great but not when I am trying to graduate debt free.

I am going to email the financial aid office what the deal is because my financial need is much greater than the grants that they provided and I won’t be able to attend if that can’t be changed.

Also, I got a job interview Tuesday, February 28th at 9am for a company I used to work for in the mental health field but this interview is for a training coordinator position. It would be Monday thru Friday, paid every other week, normal hours, I’m assuming no overtime but it also pays more to start than what I make now, so it’s definitely a step up. Don’t get me wrong, I love the job that I have now but the office is trying to bleed me dry. I’ve worked over a hundred hours in the last two weeks and that’s after I complained I am on too much overtime. This company takes advantage of the hard workers and when it’s before or after 9a-5p, I’m shit out of luck, no office support. Which especially sucks because I am running this house and my clients both have covid and the office is just MIA and I can’t stand the lack of responsibility they have over their staff.

My head Is all over. I need to do a med update on this blog for those interested and maybe a bipolar FAQ or AMA. If ya’ll got questions, hit me up or email me.

much love,

Dani