Can’t sleep my mind is on so many different things yet I can’t do anything because I am at home at 12:24am with an injured foot and for the fact that I am sick as well. I could fold and put away clean laundry, but no. I could watch more YouTube or tv, but no. I could read, no. Nothing sounds right.

Sometimes you just gotta punch the damn keys because if you don’t, you’ll go mad. I have no expectations for this blog post I am just writing what comes to mind. I am laying in bed with my MacBook propped up against my thighs and have my legs support the computer as I type.

I am contemplating the aspects of my life because women apparently don’t possess what men call the “nothing box.” I think I heard of this concept from my fiancĂ© and it’s this fascinating concept that a man can think of nothing at all and have his mind run completely blank. If I possessed this, you all would be the first to know because I have never had a silent moment in my mind since the beginning of my existence.

Steven’s birthday is February 23rd and so I decided to buy him a new winter coat for work and for going out places with me. It’s a NorthFace deep emerald green coat, lovely color with lots of pockets and insulated pretty good. I got it on clearance online but it still cost a pretty penny. He probably will tell me that I shouldn’t have spent my money like that but spending money on the ones I love brings me happiness. He asked me the day before to put a few jackets on my amazon wish list and so I did him one better and got a really nice coat in his favorite color. I hope he likes it and can use it otherwise I guess I will have to return it and exchange for something else. But where is the fun in that?

I have my academic appointment with the community college come tomorrow, or I guess early today at 9am via Zoom. This is to change my academic plan from pursuing two degrees/certifications to one and it would decrease my school time by four quarters. I looked further into my what if requirements for a general associate’s degree and I found out that I need 21,5 credits to graduate with this degree. Five classes, two quarters. By August I can graduate and go to university come September for Social Work. It is so close yet so far. I need to retake my math class, take three science courses, and one elective. This is all heresy until I get approval of this plan from the advisor. But I am pretty sure this is accurate.

With that being said, I tentatively plan on taking Math in Society which is the easiest math I can take at the collegiate level. I will take intro to nutrition and intro to science for non lab science classes and then some BS elective along with geography with lab which I have no idea how geography can be studied in a lab but again, probably the easiest science course I can take so that wins over biology or chemistry, or even physics which I was good at in high school because it is a more math based science.

To say the least, I am worried. I know I shouldn’t be but I was on grants and scholarships and I technically failed them or at least, failed the contract so I owe a portion of tuition. I am still waiting on tax documents so I can’t pay the school back until I get my tax return. I could hypothetically use my next paycheck and use my tax return for other expenses but I feel like that is shady. I lost so much work in the month of January due to my foot limitations that my paycheck will be rather small and I won’t have much extra for anything else.

That is the one thing I hate about my job; I never know what sort of income I will receive each and every once a month. The past three checks, I received bonuses which helped out immensely but we just got a company wide raise for caregivers so I am pretty sure that the bonuses will cease this paycheck on the 10th of February. Because we are paid once a month, the amount of hours worked per week and per month change so it’s never like, there is 160 hours in a work month and anything over that is overtime. It’s much more complex. Overtime is based off the week starting Monday and ending Sunday. February has the smallest paycheck because there is less possible days (28 days in the month) to work. Since February has only 28 days, I am unsure if the four weeks/ 40 hours a week thing applies or if there is a percentage taken because we lost time.

I mean we aren’t talking differences of $50 or so, I am talking there is sometimes up to a thousand or more dollar difference in pay from one month to the next based on hours, overtime, and bonuses. Last month I got nearly 7 grand before taxes which is excellent money however, this month I will be lucky if I take home 3k. If I get a bonus it goes right on top so it’s taxed but then im back up to 4-5k and then we’re talking. However, even with my pay increase it is still lower than whatever bonus they would give me so that’s rough. I hate relying on the indefinite such as bonuses. I got 5k in three months and none of it was expected but now I have to factor in the possibility of that into my budget because thousands change everything.

I did a lot of budgeting today. I impulse bought Steven’s coat but I needed to get him something for his birthday anyways and I am happy to do so. Might go back to selling belongings in order to make some extra cash. I am running low on high ticket items that sell for a lot and sell quickly. But with losing half my pay in one month and now losing another two weeks for the month of February, I have no idea what I will do.

I feel like it is important to talk about fiancees and things of the sort because it is considered so taboo and it’s like, why? We all make money, we all spend money. If sharing my story with debt and my eventual debt payoff story will help someone else in financial distress, I am happy to share. I am the first to admit that I am powerless when it comes to impulsivity. Amazon? yes. Etsy? Yes. Facebook Marketplace? Yes. I am not the only one who has a spending issue and I am not the only one who is fighting for autonomy of their own destiny and their own money. I don’t want to be dictated by credit card companies that x amount of my hard earned dollars goes to not only a previous purchase, but to 28.99% interest APR.

If you are a revolver like me when using credit cards and you have ten credit cards, all maxed out. You begin or maybe have always felt powerless to money. When in fact, YOU are in control. YOU choose where money goes and how it plays out in this economy. I am not a firm believer in the teachings of Dave Ramsey but he got me to open my eyes about the complexity yet simplicity of cash budgeting.

Cash you say? Cash. If you can’t save ten dollars. you certainly can’t save a thousand dollars. It is very true when people say the more money that you have, the more you will spend and I see it in my own budget. Last month I spent an absurd amount of money. Granted I had to get a new to me car but even then, I have no idea what I spent my paycheck on besides some food and my expenses. My emergency fund went toward my car and now I am shit out of luck because the emergencies for money are arising and I am not prepared on how I will pay all of this stuff back.

Let me get off my soap box.

I don’t know where I was going with this other than that I just want sleep and I can’t go to sleep. I am going to shower and wash my face in hopes that gets me down to bed.

much love,



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