I just logged into my WordPress site and realized I haven’t blogged in 2 weeks! I have been out of the game for a while with not much of an excuse.
I have been working 40 hours of overtime this month so well over 200 hours for the month but in my off time, I have been spending time with Steven, my new boyfriend. I’ve been in a rough place emotionally as of late. Not because of Steven, but because my meds kinda stopped working. I am taking all my meds without fail day in and day out but I still feel like trash.
Emotionally I have been very labile meaning that my emotions flip like a dime at a moment’s notice. I hate it because it’s affecting my moods and my relationships with others. I need to make an appointment with my primary care doctor but that probably won’t be until the new year. I’ve been hesitant making this appointment because my hallucinations and delusions have been bad and I’m scared they won’t be able to help me medicinally. Which maybe that’s the delusions talking but I can’t differentiate that specific feeling with what reality actually is.
I think overall I have been happy; I’m on break from school with almost too much time on my hands. I have a new boyfriend whom I love. I am building new friendships with the gals at work, my family life is overall good and it’s Christmas time.
Today was exciting because Steven and I drove to a jeweler in Tacoma to purchase a toi et moi engagement ring. Toi et moi is French for ” you and me “. So there are two main stones, one of emerald and one diamond, both pear shaped going in different directions with a twisty diamond band. He loves gemstones and I love diamonds so the toi et moi ring was the perfect compromise. Because I asked him shouldn’t I be the one to love my engagement ring, but he argued a good point which is that he wanted the ring to be special and from him and that it’s a symbol of his love for me and he’s not wrong. But at least we found something we can both compromise on.
Now the ring comes in early January. So if and when he proposes is up to him and he and I had a long talk about where we are at now and where we want to be. We want the same things: to buy a house, maybe have kids, enjoy life together. He and I were both in very long term respective relationships and we know we wanted marriage out of them but due to decisions each of us made, that couldn’t happen. He and I have been around the block and know what it takes to make a relationship thrive; good communication, trust, honesty, fun, affection, and just genuine caring for one another.
Let me reiterate this: I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW OR MAYBE NOT EVEN IN 2023. We gotta save up for a wedding and all the stuff that goes with it. I am not rushing into anything because I truly want this to work. I think I am finally in a place with myself that I can respect and love myself and I have someone by my side who loves and respects me too.
I feel like that’s the major housekeeping things that I can think of. I’ll try to be more consistent with blogging but hey, life be lifing sometimes, ya know? Hahaha.