I have been listening to MGK’s newest album on repeat since 2am this morning and it is now almost 5am on my fucking day off after sleeping the majority of seventeen hours prior to that. I have my essential oils going and just took some hydroxyzine because my anxiety keeps elevating the longer I am awake. I figured I would blog through my adversity wow I use that word a lot and it’s so fucking dumb it almost sounds demeaning and belittling to what I am going through. I feel like adversity is a word neurotypical folks use for suicidal ideation or whatever mental shit you’re going through because they don’t want to know how you actually feel; like putting a band-aid on a gun shot wound… doesn’t fucking work.

I am about to smoke some cannabis because fuck how I am feeling right now. I would rather drink but I feel like that’s bad news bears. I have been a fucking mess for days maybe even weeks lashing out on the ones I love because my moods are shifting and altering so frequently and greatly from one end of the spectrum to the other in quick succession.

I need help. I can’t do this much longer and I am making my appointment with my primary care doctor today in hopes I can be seen this week to adjust my meds because I am losing my goddamn mind over here. Almost accused my boss at work for gaslighting me because it said she blocked my text messages and then a co worker told me she broke her phone and had to get a new one. It still seems shady to me but I can’t decipher if it is actually shady or my delusions getting the best of me.

I don’t know what’s real and what’s not because I keep seeing people that aren’t there and it started when I went to Oregon last month to see family and I know it’s my head messing with me because as soon as I see them appear out of the corner of my eye they disappear. It freaks me out because I do this at work and I get scared because I am usually by myself when this happens and they get up in my personal space.

I don’t talk about it because it’s scary and I kept thinking it was going to go away but it doesn’t. I am unsure if this changes my diagnosis from bipolar 2 to schizoaffective or possibly schizophrenia. I don’t want to put the cart before the horse… I don’t think it matters my diagnosis, my title. It matters for the sake of treatment and that’s all I want because it’s driving me literally insane.

ok I am calmer and now I am hungry so im gonna get a bagel or something lol.

much love,

Dani