Discipline will be the death of me, I swear. If I could just get up and work for my 12 hours a day and go home and be productive there and then sleep for 6-7 hours and be good, I feel like I would have the world on a string. I don’t know if discipline just isn’t in my vocabulary or if it’s the bipolar’s fault.

Well, I can’t say that. It isn’t bipolar’s fault. I think mental illness can contribute to a either a surplus or lack thereof regarding discipline but when I say it’s bipolar’s fault for me not being able to keep a budget or do homework or clean my room…. it’s like complaining about the way God made you. I see not everyone has their higher power, but I will say something here that everyone can agree on:

You were made (however you were made is your decision to make and yours alone) in a such a beautiful and intricate way that to blame your hardships and adversity on the Creator is like saying “You don’t know what you’re doing” and spitting on them. There is a reason why you were made this way and who you are is in direct relation to the divinity of creation. For example, I have a slight disability that I don’t ever talk about because I hate the word disability describing who I am. I was born legally blind in one eye; it was so bad as a kid that I got in trouble for it at school and I was told I would never drive a car. I don’t spite God or my Higher Power because He’s the one who made me have this lazy eye. Yeah, things have been harder for me and yeah I have experienced adversity, but that adversity has ultimately made me better.

I would like to say the same for my bipolar disorder. I think bipolar, medicated or not, is more debilitating than my blindness considering I can wear glasses and see out of one eye. However, to disrespect my mental illness and say it’s more of a hindrance than a blessing is a falsehood.

And just to clarify this tangent even more, bipolar can ruin my fucking life at times. It is the hardest adversity that I have ever been through with my suicidal ideation, my delusions and hallucinations, with my drive, with motivation, with discipline, etc. Those are affects of adversity not so much affects of the disorder itself. If I didn’t struggle with drive, motivation, discipline, etc., I wouldn’t be evolving as a productive member of society.

I think I have the drive to do all the things I want to do, I just don’t have the follow through to complete tasks as planned. Discipline would make up for the lack of follow through I possess. Because at this point, I have given up on working out/going to the gym, I have given up on my relationship with Diego (which has been long over but it’s still something I wasn’t disciplined enough to keep up with that). I gave up on school I think three different times and most people think I will drop out a fourth time, but I haven’t yet. I have been at this job for six months which is the longest employment I have had since I worked at the bank for nine months which was almost five years ago. Every job between 2018 to now I have had for six months maximum. I can’t commit to things because I don’t have the follow through or discipline to keep on keeping on with it.

There are traits that I possess like compulsion and risky behavior that causes me to not have the discipline required to do what I need to do in my life. Some people like to associate those traits with bipolar which I suppose you could but I think at this point, it’s just who I am.

But the difference between those traits I just listed and the term discipline is that discipline can be learned (or unlearned for that matter), whereas compulsive and risky behaviors you either do or you don’t. It’s more black and white while discipline is gray.

I am going to make a list of what I need to work on for myself and then write a list of what I am doing well on. Then I’ll close this bitch out.

Things I need to work on:

• Discipline in budgeting
• Working out more than I do now (which is not at all)
• Keeping up on my chores like laundry, putting away clothes, keeping things tidy, etc.
• listening to music too loud
• helping out at home more whether that be financially or cleaning the whole house
• haven’t quit smoking (well, vaping. NO intention to stop though)
• telling people how I feel/ what I think as soon as I process it

Things I am doing a-okay at:

• writing out a budget every week even if I don’t follow it
• writing in my planner everyday trying to keep track of school and social stuff
• keeping my dreams and reality in check
• creating goals such as wanting to be consumer debt free by the time I hit 30 years old ( a little over five years from now)
• staying at my job (which seems silly to even write but in my books, 6 months doing anything continuously is a big f-ing deal)
• eating well! I may not be exercising but I bring a lunch every day to work and stick to what I bring which is usually an apple or two, yogurt, two granola bars, and a can of soup with two mini sugar free Red Bulls, of course and stuff to make orange spice herbal tea which I drink all night to flush my bladder out.
• confiding in people or in my blog when my mental health gets really dark or scary.

That’s it for me I hope you enjoyed this little piece. If you haven’t already, please like, comment, subscribe and share and tell your friends about the Precarious Aquarius.

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Feel free to email me @ theprecariousaquarius@gmail.com

much love to all,

Dani