Bipolar is a weird thing because we are so in tune with ourselves and how we are doing and feeling and thinking. Yet if someone came up to me crying, my empathy cracks into gear and I am suddenly attached and in tune with their feelings, emotion, perceptions, everything. All at the same time, we, as bipolar folk, are so detached from ourselves to care for others that we love and even for people that we cannot stand.
I spend much of my day in my head and as my mother calls it, “I am stuck in my own little world.” That is too close to home for me because I fictionalize my life because it seems to me that if I characterize my attributes, defects and all, I am able to solve my problems in a more peculiar way. Maybe faster than some, slower than others, but at least I am solving my problems. But this detachment from others is a lonely existence. I think most mentally ill folks can relate to feeling alone, lonely or isolated. For me it is isolation to the point that I create my own character flaws and defects, not because I own them, but because when you sit with yourself for so long and you’re quiet you start to self ruminate and go over and over why you’re a bitch, a slut, a whore, a cunt. Those are my rumination… I’ll say, “gold star” words. Feel free to insert your own self hatred diction here!
Part of the problem is to an extent I am the master of my own feelings. I think that is often something us bipolar people tend to forget. To an extent, we are, masters of our own feelings. With that being said, if someone makes me mad, I have power over my reaction and it is easy to succumb to the emotion of anger when someone is mad at us. Let’s say I unintentionally cut somebody off when I was driving. They flip me off. What is your first instinct?
Mine is to curse at them despite them not being able to hear me. It displays frustration because my intentions were made unclear, but his for sure were clear as day to me how he felt. In that same moment, I could have waved in the mirror in apology to the other driver because I wasn’t intentionally trying to cut him off.
Sometimes anger and certain aggressions compel me to act not as my normal self and I truly don’t have control over what I will say or do. But there are so many things that have to happen to get this point and I think that because bipolar folks are so in tune with their emotions and feelings, it must be really fucking important or big when we allow our emotions to take over control.
We are taught to basically act like that Frozen song, “conceal, don’t feel, let it go.” That is my mantra on repeat in my head just trying not to react to shit that don’t matter. I can only recall one time in my years of being diagnosed bipolar that I legitimately lost my mind, saw red, acted in anger and revenge, and nearly got the cops called on me for domestic dispute. If you are so interested to read about it, the story is somewhere in my 600 post website of blogs/rants.
Although I wasn’t medicated when that incident happened, I don’t think an elephant with a tranquilizer gun could have shot me down or stopped me. But is it really breaking and entering when your name is on the lease and you have a key to the house after getting kicked out? That I don’t know but I think I realize that if that shit happened today, a totally different reaction would have taken place.
Conceal, don’t feel, let it go.
This brings me back to my own little world. It is honestly why I don’t really socialize with anybody. I don’t want the drama. I don’t want the fighting or the tears or whatever comes with socialization these days. My world may be over analytical of my past, future, and present. But I don’t gossip, I don’t speak negatively of others. I just wish everyone peace and happiness and God knows I am finding my own peace.
Bipolar is weird…. I think I am gonna end this here because that’s as far as my brain got with processing this idea.