Today is day 2 of blogtober and you all know what that means — a month of at LEAST 31 BLOG POSTS. So today the topic was about “what books one should read during the month of October” and as much as I love reading, I hate this topic. Not for the obvious reasons like everyone should read all the time or that you should read using more than one medium i.e. books or paperback products like newspapers. But I hate it because while I am in school I have no time to read for fun so I have not read a “for fun book” at all this year of 2022. Which is sad. But I am reading copious amounts of textbooks for school so it’s not like I am not expanding my mind.
So I elected that I discuss a topic that my best friend recommended to me which was how good it feels to let others in our lives rather than pushing others away. This is something I majorly struggle with because I am so fiercely independent in personality that I want to be able to do everything on my own and not ask for help, but I have learned that not surrendering yourself when need be is less selfish than allowing others to witness you struggle. I say that because our friends, family, and coworkers know when we are failing and to not ask for help when we have the resources to get back on track is selfish.
I recently got back into gambling really bad and with addiction, I shut everyone out; family friends, God, everyone. Today is day 9 of sobriety and it took a lot for me to come clean to my family because I didn’t want to admit I had gone back out and had this issue. It’s mortifying. It’s embarrassing to say I gambled more than half my month’s wages away out of pure compulsion. I was accused of using my school grants as money to pay for my habit, and that wasn’t the case but maybe it was a blessing that I just now got my grant money so I could get my finances back in order.
The other thing my folks wanted was for me to give them my paycheck and have them dull out the money as needed. As demeaning as that is, it might be best for me, I am not sure. I am good at finances when I don’t gamble, but not having the temptation around removes all doubt. That and self banning myself from all the local casinos so I can’t gamble is a sure fire way I can’t gamble.
I am learning about myself that I really struggle with trust from trauma of past relationships. I have trouble trusting people with my insecurities and my hardships because I have had those used against me before and I don’t want it to happen again. I also have a fear of losing people; I become attached very quickly and putting my burdens on other people pushes others away rather than bringing them closer to me so I tend to not say anything at all and struggle in silence.
But my family is here for me. Closest friends included in that family. They haven’t left me yet nor are they going to and slowly I have been able to let go and open up. I just don’t want to get hurt again which I find somewhat ironic because I spill my guts here on my blog every week for three years and I am still standing yet when it comes to real life trust building, I am not about it.
I think I am finally hitting my rock bottom in the sense of needing humility and forgiveness and need to be made worthy again within Christ. I think I am famous for lip service as most people are in their personal relationships with God or their higher power. However, I am done I just want to feel and be clean and restored again. I am tired of running. I am tired of games. I need Jesus.
Answer me in the comments what you are doing good at and what you need to work on.