Happy October or should I say Blogtober?! Best time of the year, hands down is autumn and October makes things feel like they are going so fast… once Halloween is over the holidays are right here and it’s crazy. Anyways, I got this photo from the Blogtober 2022 Facebook group and will be using these prompts as a guide to what I will post each day so I will usually title each post with the prompt of the day with the exception being this one.
October 1: 10 things you don’t know about me
To start this shindig out, I will start at the beginning. I know, how stereotypical of me.
#1 I wasn’t always diagnosed with bipolar
I did well academically in school and had a great home life up until the 7th grade when I felt nothing but sadness all the time with mild suicidal ideation; not so much wanted to kill myself, I didn’t know how not to feel that way. So I asked my mom to find me a counselor and she was a quack but I was then diagnosed with not one thing, but four things!
My initial diagnosis was :
c) panic disorder
It wasn’t until I was 17 that I was diagnosed with bipolar two disorder. I have doubts that the onset was this late into my teens, I think I was bipolar all along but it was masked by teenage hormones and trauma from my home life and getting bullied at school so it was more masked with depression. Well, saying that, I don’t think I had a hypomanic episode or even a manic episode until I was almost an adult so it’s hard to say and maybe I will never know and that’s okay.
#2 I am legally blind in one eye and have astigmatism in my “good” eye
I am not sure why any of you would know this unless you know me in person but I wear glasses and one of the lenses is like looking out a window and the other lenses is thicker than a coke bottle glass. Believe it or not, when I was diagnosed with amblyopia in my right eye, they didn’t make glasses thick enough for me to see out of so as a kid, I had to wear one single contact lens in my bad eye and cover my good eye with an eyepatch that my grandmother would sew for me to wear that were in “fun” patterns and I would have to sit like that after school to train my bad eye to see. By the age of 12, my eyesight in my bad eye improved to like 20/200 so I would be legally allowed to drive as long as I wore my glasses and when I was of age to do so.
I was told I could never be a pilot or a CDL driver or anything that required vision in both eyes. When I worked for the government as a machinist mechanic, I was almost not allowed to join the workforce because my eye sight without my glasses is so bad and cannot be corrected with glasses (hence the term legally blind) and they had to make a medical exception in order for me to work for them.
#3 I self sabotage on a daily basis
I think most people who read my blog have picked this up about me, but it may be less obvious to everyone else… I self sabotage my life because I don’t think I am worthy of happiness and to have a fulfilling life. I gambled because I knew it was harmful to my well being. Thankfully I am on Day 8 of being clean of gambling (Sobriety Date: 09/23/2022) but I did it and still crave it because it wrecks my finances and my home life and every aspect about me. I think it is also why I have an addictive personality because if I use substances such as cannabis, alcohol, and nicotine products, it not only shortens my life span and decreases health, but it is a way for me to escape the fact that I am this terrible, awful being. And logically I know I am not those things. Inherently, I am a good person and I think all people are, even the rapists and axe murderers… but it’s hard for me to believe that.
#4 My favorite trait about myself is my empathy toward others
I think this is pretty self explanatory, but I care so deeply about others that it ends up hurting me. I get attached easily which makes dating and relationships so hard for me because I cannot stand when people leave and “ghost” me (leaving without explanation). Despite this I try to treat everyone with the upmost respect and give my undivided attention not only because that’s how I would like others to treat me, but they deserve (the people in our lives) earn and deserve our undivided attention and even who we view as villains in the world or at least in our world have a meaningful contribution to make to this world and deserve a chance. We all make mistakes and who is to say one mistake is greater than another one?
#5 I started this blog in February of 2020
I originally started this blog as an explanation for bipolar disorder and planned on writing the occasional anecdote about my bipolar shenanigans but little did I know that this blog would blow up to nearly 350 followers in almost three years. Granted, it is not a lot of followers as some other bloggers or dare I say “social influencers” have, but never in a million years that I would be consistent with something for nearly three years, writing over 550 posts, having over 10,000 views on this website for me to bitch and moan about “poor me”. Is that harsh? I’m being too hard on myself but I digress. Never did I think I would have any sort of platform and for my words to have an impact and affect on others and make other blogger friends through my writing and through collaborations I have done.
#6 I have changed my major three times in six years and still don’t have a two year degree.
With that being said, I started community college north of Seattle, WA to be a paralegal. In two years, I would have my paralegal associates degree and would be able to practice in the state. After four straight quarters of community college, I stopped going because I got a job working for the government as a mechanic. Then I went to a different college on government property to complete some classes to help me as an entry level mechanic. Six months later, I broke my foot and had three foot, leg, and knee surgeries, respectively. So I went back to school to pursue my paralegal certification once again and ended up dropping out once I got a job as a legal assistant with an older attorney, new to the industry. I was hired over ten other established paralegals and young attorneys and he picked me which in hindsight, I find peculiar since I hadn’t finished my degree and had no prior legal experience. In January of 2020, I was fired for “lack of integrity for lying about having bipolar disorder”. Last I checked, disabilities did not have to be announced to employers as it is nonya daaaaaaaammmmnnnnn business. I won my case against unemployment since I was unfairly fired.
I decided that I wanted to pursue social work because of the injustice I faced just being bipolar and having resources I was able to combat that discrimination, but most people don’t have that luxury. Prior to this point I worked at a mental health agency and fell in love with the inpatient units and meeting people who were at their darkest moments and seeing them come out of it with therapy and medication and different coping skills. I applied to the University of Washington Tacoma’s social work BA degree and didn’t get in and as a last resort in February 2021, I applied to Washington State University’s online psychology program which I didn’t want to do because it wasn’t exactly social work but all roads lead to heaven sorta situation so I applied, got in anddddddddd hated it. Semester and a half go by and I drop out. In my defense I had a mental break down and that led to me dropping out. It was hard to do but much needed. Once I realized that my local community college had a social work program, I hopped on that train immediately and I am happy now with my choice to double major in social work and substance use studies.
#7 Bipolar Update:
Currently my bipolar has been in a mixed state for four-ish months now, basically since I started this job and quit school at WSU. I am waiting for me to become depressed but it hasn’t happened… yet. I don’t think I am in remission at all because I don’t feel normal and wouldn’t even know how to calculate what normal would be for myself. But it is somewhat unnerving because up until lately, every three to four months I would go to manic to depressed or vice versa with a week and a half intermission between the two poles of neither manic nor depressed moods. But now I am like that all the time and it is odd. I am thankful for it because I am able to focus and my suicidal ideation has decreased but my meds and sleep are still the same so I am not sure what caused the change…
#8 My favorite possession:
My MacBook Pro 13inch from 2020, hands down. I use it religiously.
#9 I have never attempted suicide
Although I have planned attempts and went to the location of where I would commit such an act, I have never actually attempted, failed or successfully attempted suicide. So… yeah I guess that is good for me. There is one thing I don’t understand about suicide Is that others get so angry when one person feels this way and it’s like “WHY? Everyone is entitled to how the feel, good or bad and ultimately their decision to die is not up to you.”
However, it is up to you when you choose not to help those who are hurting when it is made apparent to you; then YOU are APART OF the problem.
#10 Fall is my favorite time of year
Not only for the blogtober but I live for this cool weather and spooky season.
Feel free to comment your thoughts on what I wrote about today and I will see y’all tomorrow! Deuces.