I’m not sure about you, but in my bipolar stages, yes they are stages, separate entities, I was never really an angry person. I have a lot of reasons to be angry, jaded, or resentful but for the most part I have steered clear of that emotion and the feelings that come with it. But I know a lot of people who read my blog feel anger on this whole other level and I feel as if I am doing a disservice to them by not including their voices and their perspective into the dialogue.

Today was an angry day for me. I had to do nurse delegation training from 9am-3pm and then work 11pm-7am. My boyfriend asked if we could hang out so I say yes despite needing to sleep in-between shifts. Once he gets off work, he says it’s his step mom’s birthday and he cannot hang out today and I was kinda pissed because at this point I got home, was ready to leave and even got my hair cut. We argued a little and he said he would hang out with me around 6pm. At 5, I get in my car and start driving because it takes an hour to get there. I decided to make a gambling pitstop because I finally got my Amazon return money. In the hour I was in there, I won a jackpot of $1,500 so I took 20% out for taxes and walked out with $1200 all said and done.

Once I got out of there, my boyfriend makes an excuse that I couldn’t come over yet. At this point I’m exhausted and frustrated. I just want to lay down. Mom dead bolted me out because I said I would’t be home tonight. He was trying to find a compromise to make all parties happy but in the end that just pissed me off because if he wasn’t planning on following through, why bother inviting me over? I could have just gone to sleep and could have been done with it.

After me saying some (maybe) unwarranted things, but nothing too below the belt, he apologized and said he felt hurt, I’m assuming it was by what I said which to summarize what I said was I feel like you don’t care about the work I am putting into the relationship; that it’s one sided. And to say that is in my defense unfair to him because it’s not. This isn’t my ex this isn’t some guy I can just push away or throw around. I was mad but it didn’t warrant me taking my anger out on him. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him and once he said he was hurt emotionally, I shut down and started crying.

I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially him. He has had a bad year and was already having a shitty day at work and now at home on what should have been a good day. However I did say, because this is how I feel, that “It always feels like whenever it’s time to take care of Dani, Nobody cares.” He apologized and said he didn’t want to make me cry and asked if I had time to go home before work and I replied no because now it’s 7pm and my mom locked me out, I am not sure where dad was at, so I went to the ATM to put $1000 into my savings. I was going to put the other $200 back in my checking account because that’s where I pulled from initially, but both ATMs were broken at that branch.

SO what does Dani do with 3.5 hours to kill? Go to the other casino.

Dani walked away with another jackpot of roughly $991 after taxes which pissed me off because It was nine short of a grand. I played blackjack with my winnings from slots. I put down $200 and lost fairly quickly. Put another hundred down. Once the asshole of a patron left, I started to win big. This was pitch blackjack, so two deck, face down. I keep betting the side bet and getting blackjack instead. I was betting like $50 a hand but winning maybe 80% of the time, maybe more so I was feeling good.

It made me laugh when the pit boss sees all my chips in stacks unorganized around me that she had the cocktail waitress come by and say in her highest pitch voice “would you like something to drink?” and almost did a twirl. It threw me off guard so I said “can I just get a water?” and gave her five bucks to make her go away. The pit boss and blackjack dealer just looked at me and I said, “Pedro, one more hand and I am out.” I like Pedro he always laughed at my jokes. Maybe because I tipped well and I included him in my decision making. I think I had 14 and dealer had 2 facing. I asked Pedro what I should do. With the way the table was playing, I predicted dealer would bust and I would win my $55. Pedro says methodically, “The book says to hit…..but I don’t think you should.” And he busted.

My water came by and I colored in $750 from blackjack. I had 6-something in my pocket. I saw security on my way out who was a childhood friend and gave him a big hug which I think is a no no in tribal security rules. But he always hugged me and asked how my mom was doing and always had the upmost respect for me, all around good guy. His girlfriend also works for the casino and it makes me happy that he’s happy.

…

Anyways. I walked out of there with $1444 so I put $44 in my gas tank, $400 into my checking account, and another $1000 into my savings at a different bank. I took the long way to work and now it is currently 2am and it’s definitely been a long day.

I may or may not have slept hard for about twenty three minutes on shift and feel almost refreshed. Luckily the guys don’t care if I snooze but some clients like to get caregivers in trouble for closing their eyes.

I am not as angry as I was. I do have terrible heart burn which warrants anger but I can pick up my meds Thursday morning and not be so angry about that.

I empathize with those that struggle with anger issues. Because to have this pent up rage and no outlet sucks. There were five different moments today that I contemplated taking a Xanax over it because I was on the verge of suicide if I let the anger simmer. Mania and hypo mania is an ugly thing.

Much love to you all,

Dani