Punchy

I had the day off today and there is a local karaoke contest going on tonight in a couple of hours and I have decided I am going to sing in it. I have yet to decide on a song but that’s half the fun. I have no one to go with, but I am not going to drink so I should be good there.

I bought a Cricut machine online the other day and I am excited to start making crafts with it. In the words of one of my good friends, “Don’t cry; craft!” and that is what I shall do.

My emotions feel all over the place. My delusions are pretty bad in the sense that I feel my coworkers are plotting against me to get me fired. I haven’t really discussed these feelings/delusions with anyone because I know it’s legitimately insane thinking. But I can’t help but feel paranoid or suspicious of what others do around me. I need to schedule an appointment with my primary care in order to get my meds adjusted. It’s been over three months and although I’m taking my meds everyday, twice a day. It still doesn’t help the delusions.

I kind of feel like crying. Maybe I won’t go out tonight, I’m not sure. I am lonely I want to talk to people but I also want to self isolate and be alone forever. It’s hard to find balance honestly. I have been talking to a customer who’s a regular at work and she was a social worker for 40 years and she has been really encouraging me to go back to the mental health field and I want to don’t get me wrong. But with my past injury to my ankle it’s hard to go into entry level mental health work because most mental health desk jobs require a bachelor’s degree. Well, let me back up. It doesn’t require a degree but I get put up against applicants with a degree and I don’t even have an associate’s degree pieced together. So I get beaten out for these jobs meant for people like me. But it is what it is.

I haven’t heard back about my interview from last week at the mental health position so I am assuming I didn’t get it. But I do have another mental health position interview tomorrow before my shift at the pharmacy. I hope I get the job, but I don’t remain hopeful because I am not very experienced in the field as much as I would like to think I am.

I just applied to two more positions within the company. Out of four jobs, I feel like I have a chance at getting at least one of them! Fingers crossed.

I feel like all my thoughts are coming off in a punchy way; incomplete sentences, jumping from concept to concept, I can’t explain it. I have been smoking a lot of weed lately so I want to steer clear for a while since I’m not in a whole lot of pain. But now I have decided I am really not going to do karaoke tonight I’m just gonna relax and maybe read or clean or who knows what. But the world is my oyster. I got so much shit to figure out and of course nothing got done today besides a Costco trip with Diego where I used his membership to buy muffins, blueberries, strawberries, granola bars, and another tumbler cup. Oh and you can’t go in Costco without getting a hot dog and a slice of pizza. I only spent $45 so I felt like I got a good deal for what I purchased.

I better go take off my make up before I end up falling asleep with it on.

Now I want to bang my head against the wall. But why? I don’t know it just sounds like I need to do that to feel something rather than “Hi how are ya? Lovely weather we’re having” sorta bullshit. Monotone that’s how I feel! That’s the word I was looking for.

It is 6:28pm and Dani is signing off. No I’m not gonna hurt myself. I’ll probably be fine…

Much love,

Dani

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