I left work early yesterday because I started throwing up. I started throwing up before work today so I called out. Not a great start to the month of May. I said I was going to do a lot of stuff today and the past week or so, and no such luck. Tomorrow I have a job interview for a mental health place that I used to work for and that would be for a peer support specialist position. That interview is at 11am and I have my urological cystoscopy at 3pm tomorrow as well.

It’s day 4 of May and I have yet to update my habit trackers. I do have some printed out surprisingly enough. However, they are essentially blank pages with lines and boxes in a certain order. I did my budget today. I wrote down all of the transactions I had made using my debit card and wrote down all my debts in order from least to greatest. I think I have needed some motivation the past couple of months. I watch budgeting videos daily but I was kind of doing my own thing and not taking in what I needed to change about myself and my spending habits.

I wonder if that’s how people feel about their children or loved ones doing something wrong when they clearly know (all parties) what to do that is right or moral. As in God looking to His children, parents to kids, spouse to spouse, whomever. Like when I fuck up and go gamble, I know it’s wrong and hurts my loved ones. But I can’t stop. Well, I have for a bit. I am currently nine days clean of gambling and mostly that’s because I’ve been broke since pay day. But then again I budgeted every penny of my paycheck to bills and debts and gambling just didn’t make the cut. If we are honest, it never makes the cut, but I always figure out a way to gamble if there is any kind of money in the bank.

But then again, nine days is a long time and I don’t want more people to be upset with me. I can only imagine how God feels about me when I intentionally do the wrong thing, knowing to be and do better of it, and disregarding His good graces and mercy.

I think that has to be in my top few fears; failure / disappointing others. I am also afraid of the dark and of knives and of dying. Those are my four biggest fears. And I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of the failure lately. I feel like I have failed work for calling out sick and having to leave early yesterday because I was throwing up even though I was closing manager. I feel like I failed school because I did. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. My health is fading and failing me. My kidneys have been in a lot of pain hence the abdominal pain, pelvic pain, flank pain, nausea, and vomiting. Hopefully this cystoscopy will tell how I am doing and can diagnose and treat any issue that could or may arise.

I want to want to do things. I want to be free of the demons holding me back. I want to be myself again and not get caught up in my head. Now that would be a cool painting; caught in your own mind. Hold that thought. I need to get this on paper….

much love,

Dani