After stressing over my cystoscopy for over two weeks, the day of my appointment finally arrived. As nervous as I was, I was actually calm. Ten after 8am I get a call saying my appointment that I had to wait three months for is cancelled because the doctor is sick and called out for the day. I wish I could say I was livid but I’m just frustrated because I got three days off of work just for this procedure and now I have three days off in a row for no reason.

I mean I guess it is better I know now before driving out to said appointment but still frustrating none the less.

Yesterday was a dark day mentally. I got yelled at a lot at work for a lot of things out of my personal control. I got out a hour late last night as the closing manager because I was trying to get all my closing tasks done. I make good money, but the expectations of me are that of a book keeper, a supervisor, and a grocery manager. I am just one person and I barely do the second thing well, let alone the first and the last tasks. How anyone could ever get out at 10:15pm is beyond me. I also had a pallet six feet tall or higher to unload full of liquor, beer, and wine. Granted, I had all day and had a little help for three hours but when I am taken from my task to help customers, be a cashier, do manager overrides, get money for the tills, etc, it’s hard to do the actual task at hand and once 7:30pm hits I gotta start balancing tills, counting them back to their beginning balance, write those amounts down, print out reports, balance the safe, balance the deposits. Not to mention finish the liquor pallet. It just can’t be done.

I also felt bad because we can’t close by ourselves so I had this poor cashier helping me do the liquor pallet and putting bottle locks on the liquor and made sure the bathrooms and floors were cleaned. I would have let her go home early but she insisted on staying with me to help out. So that part was good. She also said Dani you can’t get everything done. Don’t let this place overwhelm you; you can only do what you can do.

Now I am waiting for a phone call from my work trying to tell me everything I managed to fuck up like not locking our receiving door or not finishing the pallet or putting the overstock liquor in the back room and not in the liquor cage. Oh and I probably fucked up what’s in the safe somehow.

I am trying not to be negative because they may not call to yell at me at all but who knows. I was also super suicidal yesterday. Nothing serious. But I felt like I just wanted to die, like that would be so much easier. I am deep breathing now. Trying to calm down.

I think what most people don’t know about me is that I act like I don’t care a lot of times when actually, I care a lot. About everything. Almost too much. Because I care so much, I take too much personally since I am an empath.

Depression is hitting hard today so I am recognizing my feelings and going from there. My goal is to clean my room and bathroom today. I am gonna go for now so I don’t get too bogged down in. my feelings.

much love,

Dani