Not giving an inch to fear

Photo by lilartsy on

I have lots to consider and like I said in my last post, I really need to give myself time to consider all my options. Yesterday I had a phone interview for a caregiver position to compliment my full time job at the pharmacy. They wanted to hire me and help me get certified as a CNA, but the shifts were all day time hours and not graveyard or early morning. My schedule changes so much because I’m new so I can’t rely on that to get time off from work unless it’s past store closing and before store opening.

But at work yesterday, I talked to this woman who I pinned as a bad alcoholic and she was actually quite educated and has her master’s in social work and worked as a social worker for 35 years. We talked for maybe ten minutes near store closing time about how my past injuries prevented me from working at my old job doing mental health care. I told her I made more at the pharmacy as a supervisor than I ever did at the mental health inpatient clinic. But in reality I did make more there because I had so much fucking overtime and worked 4-5 twelve hour shifts a week. But it also killed my motivation with school.

However, this was all making me think that I should go back to school and at the very least get my bachelor’s. I should get my general AA from the local community college using the federal grants I got to cover all costs. Then it would be nice to transfer to a bachelor’s of social work program rather than a psychology program because although they are similar, I don’t give a fuck about normal psychology and normal happenings. I give a fuck about the people who can stab their mom and show no remorse for it whatsoever. Yeah, the real “crazies”. In my semester and a half as a psychology major, I didn’t learn much about mental illnesses that I didn’t already know.

But the problem with going back to school is not being able to move out of my parents’ house. Not that I was asked to leave, but I honestly am sick of being here. They have been so great to me, don’t get me wrong. But I am also 24, I shouldn’t be living at home. But most people my age aren’t in the same amount of debt that I am in… well, maybe in student loans, sure. But not in just consumer/credit card debt. I owe approximately $46,600 that being $23,500 toward my vehicle and the rest being either student loan debt, credit cards, or to personal loans.

I pay about $1600 in minimums. That is more than half of my monthly earnings after taxes are taken out. And just imagine me paying $900 in rent and utilities I would have no money left over for food or gas or just living. That is why I want to get a second job at least for a little while because I need to get out of this debt. I would ideally like to reach a deficit of $39,999 by the end of the year 2022. So roughly $6,601 I have to pay off this year. It’s manageable but it requires no more gambling (I am on Day 5 of no gambling) and it requires serious diligence.

Anyways I have gone to the gym before work yesterday and today. I think that might help with my diligence in finances as well as in physical fitness. I need to be a better, more well rounded person. I need to get my act together. I need to keep taking my meds like I do, and read my daily devotionals in the morning. Work out. Work. Write here at Precarious Aquarius. I need to stop focusing on my love life and more so on important things, like fixing my own personal shithole of a life before I go trying to fix other broken people. Oh and I need more time with friends.

I am gonna reprint my habit trackers for the month of May to track habits such as weed and alcohol consumption, bible study time, water intake, weight, work out days, sex, that sort of thing.

I am hoping to get my life together and find my purpose. And I hope you find yours too.

God speed

much love,


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