I feel as though I am moving through life by myself. I know I have friends, family, and God to support and ground me, however, I do not have that partner in crime to confide in; who truly “gets” me if that is even in existence. I talked to Diego on my break today and he showed me Poncho through video chat which was good to see and boosted my morale.
Part of me misses even the bad times with Diego because it’s better than no time with anybody at all. I just don’t want to be alone forever and this isn’t a cry for help in faith to God or anything like that, I feel comfortable in my faith and know that I am not alone. However, God did design for people to have life partners or mates (Look at Genesis when God created Eve for Adam).
My biggest fear in life is being alone. More than that though; fear of not finding a compatible mate. I don’t think it’s impossible to find someone to be with and marry, but to find a compatible person to be with is another thing altogether.
My second fear in life is tied between the dark and failure. I feel like the dark can be combatted pretty simply however the fear of failure is inevitable and forever looming over us. I fail every moment of every day whether it be myself or others, failed expectations, failed communication, failed actions or inactions.
The pharmacy called over for a manager and I walked over there not knowing what to expect and the customer exclaims, “It’s my favorite worker! It’s her, it’s her! That dryer cleaner stuff you showed me made my laundry smell wonderful…” and she went on about how much she admired my work ethic. They needed to reprint the receipt and it was out of my control and I didn’t have a function to override the system or to go through the system to retrieve to receipt so I told her to check her phone for the amount charged and she was happy as a clam.
In that moment, I failed because I couldn’t get the customer her receipt. However, I must have given her a good first impression when I walked her all over the store to the laundry detergent section and suggested a product I had never even heard of. But that’s what we do; we fall but we pick ourselves up again.
My moods have been leveling out more and more each day and I think that had to do with me not taking my testosterone for a little while. I know it’s not specifically intended for mental health purposes but I think it does help with my overall energy levels which can directly affect mental health.
Even though my moods have been leveling out, I still don’t feel quite right. I feel like I am in a daze more than half the time and life is just sliding by me. I don’t feel as I get much done whether it be at work or at home. I have a whole list of to dos to accomplish and my list is only getting longer, not shorter. My motivation isn’t there, I don’t give a shit if I lose my job, I just outright do not care and I am not sure what medicine I can take that I am not already taking will fix that.
Maybe I just don’t care in general. But that is not true. Because I care A LOT. I care TOO MUCH in fact. It is weird comparing the “old” me to the “bipolar me” because the old me I think was also bipolar, and just didn’t realize it or get diagnosed yet. It’s almost like I need to create a Venn diagram to determine old me from new me and compare it to the bipolar me. Because whatever traits I have in my bipolar self don’t necessarily translate to who I am now or in the past. For example. I tend to be very agitated when I am midline to hypomanic and “normal” Dani is not an agitated person. The list goes on, but it would be interesting to see the differences between all my different versions of me in a chart.
Bipolar is a weird illness, something I don’t wish upon anyone. If you have any tips or tricks for what I am going through or just wanna say “hey”, comment below 🙂
As always, much love to you and yours and happy Easter weekend!