I was fairly productive today. After I posted my blog at 6:30am, I stayed awake talking to my mom for the next two hours before going back to sleep. I missed my appointment with the dealership to look at a Jeep Wrangler. Probably for the best. I went to town around noon to get my prescription for testosterone at the compound pharmacy. Then I got $65 worth of vape juice and coils that should last over a month. It was cheaper than normal because they didn’t have my favorite flavor but hopefully this one I got should suffice. I know it will.

I called Diego who was semi – upset with me because I said I would go over last night to see him but I fell asleep shortly after he got off work. He seemed better today and invited me over today to spend the night since it was his weekend too. I went back home after my errands to pack a bag containing clothes, my MacBook, and my meds. I returned my biology textbook in the mail back to Amazon. I just wanted to get the damn book off my desk so I can utilize my desk. I went to the bank and withdrew my spending money and savings money. I am putting $250 to various saving categories and put $210 toward vaping, medication, gasoline, and essential items. I saw my old co worker and friend at the bank and she told me her son was begrudgingly going to attend the same school I do on full scholarship. I told her I dropped this semester and I didn’t know what I would be doing in the future. I said I wanted to at least get my associates degree and she said I shouldn’t waste free school as long as I have it offered to me when I brought up the point that it doesn’t matter if I get free school if I don’t do the work in order to achieve free schooling.

I think this conversation confirmed my desire to pursue at least my associates’ degree. I want to finish something for once in my life that is actually good for me. Even if I don’t pursue something beneficial to my career using my associates degree, at least I have that under my belt and experience and knowledge is invaluable.

I drove over to Diego’s and we proceeded to get high and I cooked pork tenderloin with asparagus and stuffed mushrooms. It was pretty damn good if I do say so myself! We watched some It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, along with a Pete Davidson comedy special, and some of Vox’s Explained, which is a documentary style tv show explaining natural or cultural phenomenas. Then somewhere in there when the weed wore off I started taking Tito’s vodka shots with a soda as a chaser. Ever since I had authentic Mexican tequila, drinking how smooth it goes down without burning makes me only crave that tequila. Which Diego still has but it is a special occasion tequila since it is so smooth. So I drank three shots of vodka which is normally not my go to drink but sufficed for what mixers I had.

Today would have been my 30 days sober from weed and alcohol had I stayed sober. My mom asked me this morning and she said, “Oh today is your thirty days!” I just shook my head at her and she kinda smirks before frowning as in ‘it figures you’d fuck up.’ I just have a problem with the way AA is set up and I would share all these times about my struggle and my perspective and them saying that I didn’t quite fit in or fit the mold that they are trying to impress on me. Like I said and I’ll say it again I don’t have a drinking problem I have problems when I drink aka a DUI. But now I don’t drink and drive and I know I am safe when I do partake. It’s not like my gambling problem which I know is a problem because I can’t sleep, drink, eat, work, breathe, etc. without thinking about gambling. I don’t feel that way toward alcohol. I don’t even feel that way about weed. I don’t drink alone, I don’t partake alone, I partake in cannabis for pain 90% of the time. I drink only in a good mood and not to compensate for my sadness or moodiness.

It’s weird because there is so much to think about yet I feel like nothing is really on my plate; almost like I am not living in reality. Because reality says there is a lot to think about and consider and do. Yet I feel like skipping in a meadow where no consequence for my words or actions follows me. I think the mania is starting to play games with my mind and it’s hard to distinguish what is real from what isn’t, and that’s with me taking the meds. I can’t fathom how I would be did I stop taking my meds. I feel like mental illness makes you forcibly defeat your demons. For example, my demon is physically taking meds and like an addiction, I take my meds to combat the crazy shit and focus on what’s important.

Now while Diego is sleeping, I am watching Poncho play with his chew toy wine bottle running back and forth while I write. Poncho is way to hyperactive for 11pm at night but I just played with him a bit and now he is laying down like he’s ready for bed.

Part of me feels content being here but at the same time I know it will never work out. So why do I bother hanging out with Diego? I know he and I cannot be together but man I enjoy his company. I can’t explain it though as to why or how that works but it does. I miss my dog terribly, not getting to see him everyday. But my dog is not enough of a reason to remain miserable for the rest of my life. I am not sure what would make me be with Diego again but I figured the fact out that he isn’t going to change because he sees that nothing is the matter with him. And that’s the problem right there. He is in denial and until that changes, there will never be a relationship with him. Of course I hope he changes for the better but I don’t think it will happen. One can hope though.

I think I need to do a lot of changing, a lot of self growth as I determine what the proper path for me is. I need help with my mental health and I need to figure out my goal plan. I don’t want to be in retail forever and I just want something that stimulates my brain and mind. Not just some “desk job”. It’s a lot to mull over and it’s overwhelming, which is why I have been avoiding it altogether. Well until next time my friends.

much love,

Dani