Driving me insane

My mental health has hit a wall. A brick wall. Hard.

I feel like I am running in circles and nothing helps. I know I am doing the right things. I haven’t gambled in two days which isn’t saying much since I feel like trust I have earned is gone as quickly as it came. So did my winnings from the other day. Gosh I am such an idiot! And mainly an addict but I digress. I am working a lot and earning a lot of money. I just need to be more proactive about my budgeting because I need to get my shit together. It’s like I am now playing catch up for my idiocy and I’m running in circles.

I am working 40+ hours a week and it helps keep me out of trouble during work hours but after and before work, I am just dying to drink or smoke or go out. I have to get out of the mindset that I need to be out and about, using substances to be happy. The past two nights I have been smoking weed to help me sleep. But usually I wake up a zombie the next morning because it’s like too much sleep if you can believe that.

I need to start using my gym membership again so I think I am going to start going to the gym after 10:30 pm at night since I go to a 24/7 gym. I think that might help quiet my mind… or one can hope.

I have been neglecting my writing which I also think hinders my decision making when I don’t write about literally everything that crosses my mind. When I don’t write, I don’t tend to think things through, So with that being said, I have been responding to pure bipolar impulse rather than brain reasoning.

This morning has been good. Mom and I got breakfast sandwiches at the local coffee shop and talked for a while. She asked about my dating life and I told her it was in the gutter. This morning I ordered some medicine from the compound pharmacy, listened to music, I’m writing now, took my meds and I still feel like I am going insane.

I can’t quiet my thoughts and my boredom is gonna get me fired at work. I just don’t give a shit. I think my mania is coming out because at this point, I’m just being reckless and stupid. I am debating buying that Jeep again and now I can because im gainfully employed and if I can pay off the entirety of the other loan I wouldn’t mind getting myself a little Wrangler. The problem with this all is that I am rewarding myself before I put in the work to get said car. But I am also a firm believer in do what makes you happy. I have been wanting this Jeep for like a month now which is a gazillion years in my world.

I was supposed to get nose surgery on May 17th but my dad had another fit and so basically I gotta wait to have any sort of surgery until my insurance kicks in through work so I can pay for it all myself. I need nose surgery to correct my sleep apnea in a less invasive way but there is still the risk it doesn’t help but in my opinion, anything’s gotta help compared to what I got now which is stopping breathing every few seconds at night when I sleep.

I am taking my meds everyday and they don’t seem to help the aggression or agitation. Oh shit it’s 2pm now so I gotta get ready to go to work.

much love,


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