Broken

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Everything good in my life must come to an end. Not only did I break my sobriety from drinking, but after one year and nearly. seven months, I broke my gambling sobriety. The only good that came from it all is that I won $1,000 that I put into savings. I did so good staying clean of my addictions and I just couldn’t cut it. I don’t think I’m truly addicted to alcohol but I know I feel that way about gambling. It was hard to stop after I won. I won not one, but two jackpots. So the fact that I walked away with anything at all is beyond me. I think I was up to $2300 and I walked away with $1000 after putting in $180 into the slot machine. I kept thinking I was gonna win more but they just took my money like stealing candy from a child.

I am disappointed in myself yet proud at the same time because I walked away while I was up, but I shouldn’t have gone at all. And now I am drinking bourbon with coke as I write this. Today was my day off after five days of work so I wanted to blow off some steam. I had 23 days sober until yesterday. Now I am a little drunk as I write this and honestly it feels good. I respect that I was sober as long as I was and I think I needed it however I don’t truly have a drinking problem. I drink in moderation because it usually flares my bladder disease.

I went out with the guy I have been seeing last night. I bought the bourbon for him and he felt guilty that I bought it at all even though I only did so for him. So the fact that he came over and didn’t drink at all even though he wasn’t going to drive really grinds my gears. So of course I drink it and ruin my sobriety and I am a great host and I have a terrible time. I woke up at the buttcrack of dawn aka 6:30am and have been up since then minus a small nap. I have an ENT appointment tomorrow so my ears can get checked because they hurt really bad and to get a surgery consult to correct my deviated septum and nasal turbinate removal surgery. The hope with that is I can breathe and sleep better without needing the cpap implant for my sleep apnea since I can’t tolerate a CPAP machine.

Today has been good enough. I am lonely and I want to make more friends but it’s hard. I don’t really know how and I like this guy I am talking too but he’s got some of the same issues I have and it’s a whole thing. I get that we all have damage and baggage but it’s a matter of finding the baggage that we can deal with it. I am starting to think I won’t find somebody and I think I need to come to terms with being by myself again and being confident with myself before I can be with some one else.

I think my bipolar is getting bad again because I am having little control over my emotions and they are coming in quick succession. Like I’ll go from agitated to angry to crying in like three minutes, no joke. I think the later I stay up the worse it gets and now that I work on swing shift, I really feel the lability of my emotions and feelings. I got to schedule another mental health check so that we can get this figured out. Because I can’ t be crying at work again, I mean, I cried in my car but it still sucks to be so emotional at work and not have any control of it.

I want to write like I used to…. I want to write like I have a plan and execute it as in having structure to my blog rather than writing a life summary. I am happy with the growth my blog has had with my sharing personal anecdotes, however it’s not the direction I want my blog to go in, I have written 501 posts as of now and I don’t think much of my writing is substantial. I have no idea if it makes an impact. I don’t know where I am going with this besides I want to go in a new direction with my blog, still mental health related, but I am not sure as of yet on what that will be.

Please comment below one thing you may have learned about yourself or about life from my blog; I would greatly appreiciate it.

much love,

Dani

One Comment Add yours

  1. Bruce Cooper says:

    Well Dani, as requested, what you have confirmed for me in your blog is that in spite of our good intentions, we all mess up at times and admittedly that is not always easy to deal with. Most times I think you already know the answer to the questions you ask yourself, so knowing is not the problem, doing is. Knowledge is one thing, wisdom to use that knowledge is another.

    Our character is built over time as we learn from our mistakes. In truth, neither drinking or gambling is your friend, because both are stacked against you and what with the other difficulties you face, you can’t afford those odds because ultimately they both bring you down. Both gaining character and bringing you down are built over time with small steps. Wisdom comes with comprehending the importance of those small steps, those little decisions, whether good or bad and making sound judgements accordingly.

    Don’t give up on yourself. When you make a mistake, admit it to yourself and to God and ask for forgiveness, then get up again. As a child we learn to walk by falling. If we keep trying we eventually learn to walk. This isn’t rocket science and you are a bright woman and God will help you but you’re no different from anyone else. These rules of following what builds us up apply to everyone. It’s just the way it is.

    Relationships require stability because they are not easy. Consistent small steps will bring you your goal there too but it takes time. You already know that. And please don’t get suckered in again with gambling because you won this time. That’s the exception and not the rule and you know that too. You can’t afford the cost of those odds. Same thing with drinking because of what you have to deal with. Own it. One of your positive traits is that most times you are honest, both with yourself and others. Dig a little deeper in following that honesty, it will pay off. Be patient, learn from your mistakes and earn your goals. You’ll make it. Blessings Dani.

    Liked by 1 person

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